Heineken is a cool lager that generally boasts an equally cool crowd. What is far from cool, though, are those sections of the Heineken crowd that still mutilate this simple word to come up with their own coarse-sounding versions: The ones that say “Hin-Ken” or “Heni-Ken”! Why subject oneself to all this embarrassment when one can simply call it a Heine? The internationality of this brand’s appeal simply demands that one gets such basics right. And speaking of the international appeal of brand Heineken, do you know just how many truck loads of it will be consumed in Rwanda for the duration of the African Nations Championships (CHAN 2016)? That said, we at Loose Talk still have a huge bone to pick with the powers that be at Heineken headquarters in Zoeterwoude, Netherlands: Are the bottles disposable or do you always have to return to seller? Also, if I walked barefoot on a pile of broken Heineken bottles, would it cause as much grievous harm to my body as, say, broken Primus and Mutzig bottles? And why is it that people who drink this brand almost always have a herd/bandwagon mentality –much like cultists? So much so that eight grown guys will hit the bar, occupy a table, and every one of them is drinking Heineken? How come that this is hardly ever the case for almost all other brands? Another thing that is not very clear about Heineken is whether it actually causes a hangover in the way that we know a hangover to be. Does Heineken induce a hangover? How about the limited-edition Heineken beer that goes by the names of prominent world capitals –does it taste the same for the different cities? If the boss caught you red handed at the office buffet, washing down your lunch with two well-chilled petite Heineken, would he serve you the same letter of suspension or dismissal as they would if they caught you drinking, say, Primus or Mutzig or Turbo King? There are fathers who used to consider it immoral to share a drink with their school-going teenage son. If they went together to a bar, he would of course expect the son to settle for a fanta. But thanks to Heineken, such attitudes have been softened considerably. Finally, if Heineken were a human being it would most likely have been bisexual –what with that easy cross-over appeal. If it were a genre of music, it would be reggae. Turbo King would be hard core ragga, while Primus would be Country, like the music of Kamaliza and Cecile Kayirebwa. Meanwhile, Mutzig would be rap, Guinness would be jazz music, while Legend Extra Stout from Bralirwa would be Blues.
