Teenage sexuality: Have that talk now

L They say, a stitch in time saves nine. Use this school break to talk to your children. Does the thought of your teenager having sex fill you with fears of delinquency and a looming doom? I was utterly horrified last week as I listened to my students’ (teachers in training) shocking accounts of their experiences with primary pupils having ‘sexual’ hide and seek games in the classrooms and fields. This dramatic rise in sexual curiosity can be attributable, in large part, to televisions’ thinly veiled sexual overtones, the Internet, and magazines. Aside from the obvious risks of sexually transmitted diseases (including HIV/AIDS) and unwanted pregnancies, there are those not-so-obvious elements of suffering, betrayal, heartache, remorse, shame and guilt. How often do they show those things in most portrayals of premarital (and extramarital) sex on TV and in movies today? Those few moments of pleasure are just not worth a lifetime of grief and regret. In today’s hyper-sexualised culture of Internet sites, mass media entertainers, and 24/7 programming, the traditional “lions and monkeys” documentary (or a textbook handed to the child to read on her or his own) on reproductive basics is completely inadequate. Carefully preparing children for the normal changes in their bodies as well as the endless assault of peer pressure, media glorification of irresponsible sexuality, and advertisements is the only way to create a sense of security for parents and children alike. Openly addressing the all-too-human questions of sexual development, sexual desire, and the nature of the adolescent’s developing sexual identity are critical. Sharing factual information with and giving good moral guidance to your teenager is a vitally important part of helping your teen understand herself or himself. It can also help your child avoid devastating, and possibly life-threatening, errors in judgment. The only foolproof approach to sexual safety, of course, is to say “no” and defer sexual activity until later in life. The good news is that as many as half of all adolescents do just that. But that leaves the other half at risk — many of them engaging in unprotected sex, exposing themselves to potentially grave diseases and unwanted pregnancy. So when is the right time to start talking about sex with your child? It’s a good idea to start laying the groundwork for these conversations long before the onset of puberty. The more frequently and frankly sexual matters are discussed, the easier and even more open such discussions are likely to be as you both grow comfortable with talking about it. The easiest way to start is to be real with your adolescent: This is really hard for me to talk about, and it was hard for me to talk about with my dad when I was your age. But it’s important to talk about, and we have to talk about embarrassing things sometimes. What should you talk about? Perhaps, start with how sexuality is portrayed in the media and, far more importantly, how it “works” in real life — the potentially bad consequences and catastrophes that can be a result of sexual activity, as well as the pleasure and positive results of responsible sexuality (remember: the job here is to be honest.) One area that should receive particular attention is “urban myths” — bits of false information that “everyone” knows, passed along from adolescent to adolescent (and even from generation to generation: Don’t be surprised to find that your child has heard some of the same myths and misinformation that circulated during your adolescence). Make clear, for instance, that oral sex is not without risks, that unprotected intercourse without ejaculation is not effective birth control, and so on. It’s very important to get the facts straight from the start, and share those facts with your child. It builds trust, and that trust is critical to guiding your adolescent through these challenging times. It is wholly natural for adolescents to have questions about sex and sexual identity. While attitudes toward gay and lesbian identity (among other issues) remain tangled and complex, the crucial thing to bear in mind is that all of us have such questions at one time or another. Parents need to be open about that and understand the entire spectrum of sexuality and sexual orientation, and not try to funnel them into a particular niche or area. Accept the adolescent’s questions as part of growing up, because that’s exactly what it is; but at the same time, let the adolescent know what your views and values are. Know the difference between facts and your opinion, and be clear about both. The writer is a lecturer at The Adventist University of Central Africa

Education

Teenage sexuality: Have that talk now