Breast cancer: When do you break the sad news to your kids?

“Every year, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Millions of mothers worldwide battle the deadly disease. Receiving the news that one has cancer is bad enough, but sharing it with the little ones is the hardest part. The thoughts of how your children will react to the news or be affected by it,worrying about the fact that they will eventually lose their mom, is what makes the idea of telling the kids about the illness hard. Murungi (not real name), a 32-year-old mother of eight and a resident of Rutunga, Byumba sector, has been battling breast cancer for three years now, her chances for survival are slim because it was detected in advanced stages. The once hardworking and dynamic woman has a swollen and hard breast; her body is frail and her skin is literally peeling off. She says that the pain is tough but informing her children was even tougher. “When you’re an adult you always find a way of dealing with tough times, but the hardest pain to deal with is wondering what your children are going through when there is indeed nothing you can do about it except ask for God’s mercy,” she says. She says children suffer more when their parents are facing hard times. “But the best thing to do is to inform them about what is happening and help them deal with it.” The bitter truth hit her children hard and the fear of losing their mother is all they think about. “Letting children know that their mother is fighting such a horrendous disease can indeed scare them, that’s why some parents struggle with the issue of letting their kids know about the situation or not,” Murungi says. What the experts say Dr Fidel Rubagumya of Butaro Cancer Centre says the journey to cancer diagnosis is long and scary. When a mother is diagnosed with breast cancer, the first thing they think about is their children, and how to break the sad news to them. “I advise mothers to involve their children in such situations after all, they will find out eventually. The mother will have to go for chemotherapy sessions, surgery or even radiation therapy, the treatment will change body physiology and the patient has side effects which will be evident to the whole family,” Dr Rubagumya says. He explains that there is no right time or way to break the news but mothers should break the news when they feel comfortable to. Mostly in this situation, they should aim at relieving the fear, educate their kids by giving them facts about cancer and also encourage them to check their breasts regularly. For Dr Rachna Pande, a specialist in internal medicine at Ruhengeri, it depends on the age of the child and stage of the breast cancer. In case the children are too young, they can be given simple explanations that their mummy is not feeling well and will need rest and treatment for a long time. “Children can be explained to in a simple language depending on their age but it should not be like a doomsday prediction. This is important, particularly if one has daughters, as breast cancer can be inherited,” Dr Pande says. She says that the mother should be strong and face the situation bravely; this will keep the family in an optimistic mood. If she becomes depressed it will affect the entire family. “The father also has to keep himself strong, repeatedly tell children that all will be fine after treatment. It is his duty as well to see that children are cared for and do not break down emotionally,” Dr Pande adds. While most people are aware of breast cancer, many forget to take the steps to have a plan to detect the disease in its early stages. (Net photos) Constance Mukankusi Gateja, a counselor with Breast Cancer Initiative East Africa (BCIEA) says mothers who are diagnosed with breast cancer should not hide the news from their children. “I think children should be prepared for anything in life. A mother is always a mother whether she is sick or not she should always comfort her children. At times she may even try to hide the truth from them not to get them worried but I think it is always better to let them know so that they are well prepared for whatever comes.” Gateja adds that sometimes children know more than what we know as they can even suspect something before they are informed about it. So it’s better to get them out of that dilemma by telling them the reality. Phillipa Kibugu, a breast cancer survivor, says that a mother battling breast cancer needs to let her children be a part of the fight as this not only helps her but the children as well. “My daughter was ten when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I involved her in what I was going through and at one time I let her cut my hair, this brought us closer in my process of healing. “She asked me if I would trust her with my hair and I told her that I would even trust her with my life. I told her that my hair was to eventually fall off then I later explained everything to her and assured her that everything would work out fine. “It helped us as a family and that’s why I think it’s really important to involve the kids. It doesn’t matter how small they are though one should mind about the language used as they may find it hard to understand it,” Kibugu adds. According to the academic medical centre of the University of Wisconsin, UW Health, although children may have a variety of reactions to learning that their parent has cancer, all studies confirm that it is better to tell the child than withhold information and it is better to tell sooner rather than later. When the child is not told, there is more anxiety and a more difficult adaptation later. It is important to provide the child with the amount of information that they want or need and at a level they can understand. editorial@newtimes.co.rw ********************************************************** Ways to tell your kids about breast cancer How to say “mom has breast cancer” Be clear about your cancer diagnosis. Be direct with your kids and say, “Mommy has been diagnosed with breast cancer.” Then, explain what breast cancer is and stress that not all cancers are alike. Also make sure to stress that you will be getting good care and treatment and that new and better cancer treatments are being discovered every day. •Accept anxiety and tension as normal behaviours. Let your kids express their fears, confusion, and anger. Sometimes the treatments and the diagnosis are stressful and scary, so there may be more tension in the house than usual and there may even be crying. This is normal for such a time. •Remember that you’re a role model. Try to keep a positive personality and outlook, but explain to your kids that mommy might have difficult days with the pain and medication. How you deal with your diagnosis and treatment will affect how your kids will deal with it. If you need professional support for dealing with your cancer, see a counselor or attend a cancer therapy support group. •Explain that cancer treatments are temporary. Tell them that the side effects of chemotherapy are temporary. Hair will grow back, weight will be regained, and energy levels will return! Make sure your kids understand that cancer and chemotherapy treatments are not permanent conditions. •Emphasize cancer isn’t contagious or punishment. Reassure your kids that cancer isn’t easily passed on like the common cold, so they won’t get sick by being near mom. Also make sure to explain that mommy isn’t being punished -- that cancer isn’t given to “bad people” and can affect any woman as she ages. Agencies ***************************************************** I SAY: Prepare them psychologically Chantal Ingabire, employee World Vision Chantal Ingabire Before breaking the news to your children, you need to first study the condition they are in at the moment and see if they are stable enough to receive such news. It is possible that you might tell them you are sick and it destabilises their young lives and development.In my opinion, as a mother, you have to first prepare your children psychologically so that by the time you tell them, their minds are able receive the news in a healthy way. It’s hard Teddy Muhawenimana, vendor Teddy Muhawenimana I don’t see the point in keeping such terrible news from my children. I would tell them immediately but give them hope that having breast cancer doesn’t mean death. Breaking the news to your children at an early stage gives you a chance to get closer and help them come to terms with your sickness. The age matters Sharon Harerimana, teacher at Umuco Mwiza School Sharon Harerimana It is important to consider the age of the child; some for instance may be shocked with the news and get psychological problems, thinking that their mother is dying soon. But at a mature age, your children may not only understand the situation, but also comfort you as you pass through that challenging time. Give them hope Mary Murerwa, communications officer Mary Murerwa It is an emotional moment that is not only hard for the mother but also for the children. It’s obvious that many people think that a person with cancer is sitting on a time bomb, so a clear approach is needed. Personally, I would tell them days after finding out that I have it, but still, I would first study them to see if the news won’t destabilise their lives. Compiled by Dennis Agaba

Lifestyle

Breast cancer: When do you break the sad news to your kids?