Because I’ve been accused of being picky more times than I care to count, I have decided to plead guilty. I have finally decided to accept that I am the problem and I’m now very committed to change. To show you how committed I am, I am going to give you the list of my suitors and let you do the picking. And I promise, left hand on my heart, right hand lifted high that I will go with whoever you pick. Therefore, I now present to you...the spitter, the sexist, and the cheat. “Are you shy?” “No, I’m not.” “Yes you are. You always look away when I’m talking to you.” *silence* “No, I’m really not shy.” This is the last conversation I had with the spitter. I don’t know if this guy knows that he showers people’s faces with his mouth juice every time he talks. I don’t know if he knows. But maybe he knows and he does it on purpose because he is patriotic. Yes. That must be it. He knows about the water shortages and so he is only doing his part by supplying an alternative fluid. So I should stop being an ungrateful citizen and commit to letting him spray my face with his mouth juice for the rest of my life, right? Well, what’s clear is that if I’m shunning the patriotic citizen for his effort towards reducing the water crisis, then I’m not aligned with the country’s vision. So then, I should embrace people who are in my category, starting with this human being who didn’t get the women empowerment memo. He is right. All those people who are talking about women empowerment are upsetting the balance of nature. As a woman, my role is to buy a cheerleader’s uniform, stand aside, and chant some encouraging phrases as my man takes on the world. I like to think that I’m too old and too healthy (read fat) to be a cheerleader but hey, it’s your call. If you are unimpressed by the patriot or the sexist (but that would mean that you’re picky), don’t worry, I’ve got one more suitor-the cheat. He’s engaged to be married and sometimes, between asking me to spend a weekend at his house and asking me to go and massage his back, he squeezes in a wedding invitation. I have had no kind words for him thus far. And when I’m not ignoring his texts and calls, I’m telling him off. But that was me before you finally made me realise that I needed to lower my standards if I ever hoped to find a man. Now I’m ready to take him if you pick him but obviously, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that my relationship with him will lead to a long and happy marriage. It’s now 2a.m. so let me go to bed. Yes, I stayed up this late trying to compile this list for you. That’s how high my level of commitment to change is. I appreciate your help thus far and I look forward to a timely response in this matter.
