It was one of those lazy days. I had nothing to do and as was habit whenever I was bored; I logged onto the internet and before long, I was in a chat-room of one of the newspapers in the region. I chatted with random people but nothing seemed to make my mood better; As I almost logged off, I received a private message from someone called David. In 30 minutes, we had talked more than I had ever talked to some people that I have physically met and in less than a month; a cyber relationship was born. David and I moved through the hoops very fast and in three months, he packed his bags and moved to Rwanda. The relationship lasted almost three years and looking back, I realise that those are some of the happiest years of my life after all; I was in my 20s and I was truly in love. To this day, most people are surprised when I tell them that the best relationship that I have ever had was a result of the internet and I understand their reservations; which begs the question. Does where you meet someone for the first time matter if you are looking for love? To Tom Simpsons Kawalya, a single father of four, where he meets someone for the first time matters. “How can I consider you for a life partner if I meet you in a night club? If I meet you in a night club, I will save your name as, say ‘Jane night club’ but if I meet another girl in church, then I will save her as ‘Jane Church.’ That says volumes about both- the one saved under church starts scoring marks from the word go. When I meet a girl in a night club or bar, I make a mental note to myself that I can only be with her for fun,” he says. And Charles Kwizera agrees. Married for the last three years and a father of one, Kwizera says that it all depends on one’s beliefs but as an individual, he thinks where you meet someone should really matter. “If you ask me, I would never allow myself to take a relationship to the level of a life partner with a woman I met in a night club. I believe that there is no way I am going to tell that future mother of my children not to go clubbing leaving the baby at home because she will ask me if it is not in that club I am barring her to go to that I met her,” he says Kwizera met his wife at his place of work and he says that the first time he saw her; he knew that she would make a good mother to his children. “The more I got to know her, the more I realised that we had a lot in common, but I was so busy with school and work and I wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship. I took my time and by the time, I finished with school, I was ready to commit,” he says. Kwizera however does not completely rule out the fact that some places could be deceiving. “You can meet a person in the club, but later they turn out to be responsible. However, chances are that where you meet a person turns out to be a place they like to frequent all the time,” he says Lee Ndayisaba disagrees. The father of one who has been married for two years after dating his partner for six years says that where you meet someone for the first time should not define who she or he is but character should. Ndayisaba originally met his wife in passing through mutual friends for the first time but he later invited her for lunch at a restaurant in Kiyovu. “I actually invited her as a casual friend, just for a meal but while waiting for her at the restaurant, it started raining very heavily but she still made it right on time despite the heavy downpour. When she entered the restaurant, she was dripping wet from head to toe. She had come to meet me, in the rain, on a taxi moto. That is when she really got my attention,” he says “Where you meet someone should matter. When it comes to trying to find a partner, married or not, mutual respect is very key. If respect is mutual, the rest can be worked on. I rate it above love,” he says Looking back, Ndayisaba believes that he married his wife for her character. Brian Senyonga is a father of one and he has been living with his partner since 2011. He says that what should matter above everything else should be character. “You can meet a nice person in church or just as they leave the toilet. You can meet all kinds of people anywhere. It can be at a funeral or at the library, at the end of the day, what matters is whether they are decent people or not,” he says. Senyonga met his partner for the first time at the bus terminal in Nyabugogo after a friend from Kenya asked him to help her during her stay since she was new in Kigali. Months after they met, they formed a bond based on their connection and shared values and the rest as they say is history. Claire Kanamugire, who met her boyfriend through Facebook, has mixed feelings about the subject. She says that it depends on the where, what and why. “You simply can’t start judging someone because you have met him or her in a night club. You must meet them two or three times after that to know who they really are. You may meet someone in a bar when she is drunk but maybe that’s not what she always does, maybe that day there is a very good reason why she was in that state,” she says Kanamugire says that what endeared her to her partner was the way he never gave up on his interest for her and his gentleness. “He kept asking for my number but I would say no but he just couldn’t give up, then we had a birthday party for a friend from the same group and that is when we had our first physical meeting. He made his intentions known and I gave him my number and we have never looked back,” she says Kanamugire says that she is sometimes insecure that her boyfriend could possibly meet someone more interesting on the internet but she hastens to add that if a relation should succeed, then it should be based on mutual respect and trust. Joyce Kirabo, a family counselor at Mount Kenya University, believes that where you meet someone for the very first time should matter a lot. “For example, when you meet someone in church, there is something spiritual that will always be attached to the relationship whereas when you meet someone in a night club, the moral uprightness of the partner that one needs for the future comes into question,” she says. She however acknowledges that the reverse could be true but on a smaller scale. “In every context in life, there are exceptions but you are bound to see long term disadvantages from a partner you picked from a night club than the one you picked from church,” she says Kirabo says that as a counselor, she receives many clients who come to them for relationship help but their deep rooted issues can be traced on how and where they met. The question of whether where you meet someone for the first time matters if you are looking for a life partner is one that can never be exhausted. The issues of the heart are normally complicated and such an issue does not make it any less, thanks to the differences in people’s character, personality, culture, religion and background. One fact remains though. If it is love that one is looking for, maybe the where shouldn’t matter? The search should be about the person and it most definitely should go beyond judging someone based on one meeting. nash.bishumba@gmail.com *************************************** YOUR VOICE: Most common ways of finding romance Sex therapist and counselor, Julia Cole, gives her view on the 4 most common ways of finding romance. At work Couples who meet at work must have an advantage in the love stakes, surely? The main advantage of meeting someone at work is that, particularly if your job is a vocational one, you are more likely to have similar attitudes, which will help your relationship run smoothly away from the office“Some people are thrown together through work and can mistake this for compatibility, when in fact; all they have in common is the job,” Cole says Make sure you: Spend the time you have alone away from your normal environment. Take weekends away, or pursue an interest you both enjoy. Introduced by friends The main advantages to being introduced in this way, says Cole, is that friends know you well and so would be expected to make a good choice for you. At least, that’s the theory. So why is it that so many friends’ matchmaking attempts come a cropper? ‘Unfortunately, friends may not always act from the purest motives,’ says Cole. ‘Sometimes they’ll want to set you up with someone they really like, but don’t fancy, just so you can all spend time together in a group. They haven’t really thought about what suits you. Make sure you: Take time to be together, alone, so you can develop a relationship that is uniquely yours. At a party, bar or nightclub Relationships do blossom in these circumstances - but they have the odds stacked against them, says Cole. ‘It’s important not to underestimate the power of sexual attraction, which is what these relationships are built on,’ she says. ‘The main problem, though, is that your judgement is likely to be affected when you meet someone in a place like this. You’re quite likely to have had too much to drink, so you can’t be expected to make a wise choice.’ And so relationship success looks shaky. Make sure you: Keep safety in mind at all times. Never invite someone you’ve just met in a bar or club back to your place, and never go back to theirs. Make sure your next meeting is a lunchtime one, or for a coffee, so you don’t find yourself in the situation of feeling pressurised into taking the relationship further than you’d feel comfortable with. On holiday Yes, holiday romances can and do work...but an awful lot also fail. The reason for this, says Cole, is that most of us are playing a part on holiday. ‘First there’s the fact that everyone looks so much better. They’re tanned and relaxed, and for all you know may be playing you along, comfortable in the knowledge that they’ll never see you again. Sustaining a relationship when you get back, if you’ve been pretending to be someone you’re not, is often just too difficult.’ Make sure you: Both work hard at forgetting that you met on holiday. Harking back to that rose-tinted time may bring back happy memories, but it won’t help you build a lasting relationship. Agencies ***************************** YOUR VOICE: Does how you met matter? Remy Mugabo, artiste Remy Mugabo I don’t think where you meet the first time matters in a relationship. You can meet someone at a place considered wrong but what is important is how you keep in touch after that. People shouldn’t mind too much about their first meeting place because it doesn’t determine where your lives are headed. I believe what is important is where you are later on. Christine Mutesi, marketeer Christine Mutesi It does matter; as they say, the first impression is everything so when you meet someone somewhere inappropriate, any hope for a decent relationship will be killed from that moment, blocking the way for future possibilities. We have to be cautious about first impressions. Elias Muneza, student Elias Muneza I don’t see the big deal in minding where you meet someone for the first time. If it is a relationship, we all know you don’t decide to start dating that very day. What matters is the lifestyle someone has outside that place, their character, personality, and career to mention but a few. In my opinion, those are some of the essential factors that should matter. Dornut Munyaneza, businessman Dornut Munyaneza The first meeting place matters to some extent but it still doesn’t determine the way forward in terms of a serious relationship. The first meeting place could be a disaster but if you keep in touch, something good might develop. I think it’s good to meet someone in an appropriate place since it creates a good impression. Compiled by Dennis Agaba
