The nightmare of dealing with the unknown love child

A few years into her marriage, Florence Numukobwa woke up one day to respond to a knock on the door and her life has never been the same. At the entrance was a woman who claimed that Numukobwa’s husband was the father of her son and all she needed was child support. The bitter truth was that not only had her husband cheated on her, he had fathered a child outside their marriage. “It was surreal. At first, my husband denied ever knowing the woman but when he was confronted with evidence, he accepted responsibility. It was very hard because I had to choose between forgiving him and divorcing him. In the end, I chose to stay,” Numukobwa recalls. The ‘illegitimate’ child was brought to stay with the family but life was never the same because every time she saw the child she was reminded of her husband’s betrayal, a sad reality that she still struggles to deal with to this day. Namukobwa’s story is not unusual. In 2011, movie legend Arnold Schwarzenegger shocked the world when he revealed that he had fathered a child with his family’s housekeeper Mildred Baena. The scandal led to Maria Shriver; his wife of twenty eight years filing for divorce. Some people may want to kill their partner because of the betrayal, others may choose to take their lives but seeking professional help could change your perspective. According to Maurice Rukimbira, a marriage counselor at St. Etienne Cathedral, every case is different and a counselor can only deal with it depending on the actual situation and the personality of the couple. “When such a couple comes to us for counseling, we help them analyze both sides of the situation so that they are able to make suitable decisions for their marriage. In the language of counselors, things are settled well if the final decision comes from the heart and mind of the one with the problem. We generally help them to figure out the pros and cons of the situation,” he said. Rukimbira explains that some people may want to kill their partner because of the betrayal, others may choose to take their lives but the counselor’s job is to help them by showing them a mirror and a reflection of what their actions might turn into. He says that another thing that helps is pointing out the hurting person’s strengths, showing them other challenges that they managed to overcome and explaining to them that this can also be overcome. “One can send away a wife who has made a few mistakes and then marry one with even worse mistakes. We are not married to angels, people make mistakes and they do deserve a second chance,” he says Sheikh Yusuf Mugisha of Masjid Al Quidsi mosque, Kacyiru says that according to the teaching of Islam, if somebody has children outside the marriage, they commit adultery which is a sin. He however says that if they repent and promise never to do it again, they deserve a second chance. Sometimes repenting to your partner could salvage the relationship. “If the child is born before the marriage, it could also be a sin in some way so long as the child was born out of the confines of a religious union but we do believe that every person is a sinner, the honorable thing to do is to seek forgiveness from Allah,” he says Sheikh Mugisha advises that if it happens that one of the people has a child either before or after the marriage, it’s always better for the one with the child to inform their spouse earlier and not keep it a secret because if not tackled, it can lead to the breakdown of a marriage. “Try and tell the truth so that they either believe in you or decide not to marry you or leave you. This helps clear everything and on the other hand the child also benefits by not losing his or her rights to get love from their parent,” he adds. What people say Dorah Mukankuranga is a married woman. She says that learning of your husband’s child outside the marriage can be a tough blow to deal with. She believes that the betrayal of that caliber can only be handled by a few women. “What one can do is to not let their feelings about the affair lead to the harsh treatment of the child. The child is innocent and had nothing to do with the actions of your husband,” she says Finding out that your partner has had a child out of wedlock causes heartbreak but experts advise the couple to talk and reach a consensus. (Net photos) She also says that it would be better for the woman to forgive their husband after all he is only human. She acknowledges that healing might take long but for the sake of one’s marriage, it’s usually worth the try. Justine Mukamwezi has been married for over fifteen years and in all those years, she has not been lucky to conceive. She loved and respected her husband more for not leaving her but later came to learn that he had a child with another woman. “Learning of that fact made me miserable and made me feel down but I let it go because I think my husband cheated in a desperate search for a child. It hurts but sometimes we need to be understanding and not selfish,” she says. Mukamwezi says she cannot say that she would react the same way if her husband had cheated if she had given him kids, but she continues to stress that patience is a weapon that can be used to deal with such betrayal. Dennis Byakatonda says that discovering that his wife had a child before they got married would make him furious and could even break their home. He says that the fury would not be aroused because the woman had a kid but rather because she hid the truth from him and made him make a vow blindfolded. “That shows that if she can lie about something like that, then she is capable of being dishonest in many other aspects and a marriage can’t be built on such a foundation. Married couples need to be honest with each other,” he says. Whether you had the kid before or after you got married, I think telling your partner will show them that you care and respect them,” he says Marriage counselors note that the issue of illegitimate children is a delicate one but honesty and forgiveness are usually the better options on a way forward. Marriage, as most people say is about compromise. An affair doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. Love and forgiveness can lead to a reconciliation and create a resilience that can transform your marriage. With hard work and a hopeful attitude, this hiccup could be the one that is going to help make your relationship stronger than ever. editorial@newtimes.co.rw *********************************** YOUR VOICE: What would you do if your partner had a child out of wedlock? Lillian Gahima, Journalist Lillian Gahima Fathering a child with another woman would be evidence that my partner has been unfaithful and has disrespected our relationship. I would forgive him if this was the first time he was doing such. However, I would make myself clear; the child comes to stay home with the rest, he doesn’t contact the woman again. Eugene Ngayabarusha, Entrepreneur Eugene Ngayabarusha Well, I wouldn’t rush to conclusions before finding out what made my spouse do such. People always have reason for keeping some secrets from their spouses though it’s not healthy in a good marriage. Donut Munyaneza, Carpenter Donut Munyaneza Having a child outside your marriage/relationship doesn’t change the love you have for each other. Ending the marriage would be overreacting. Hard as it is, I would try to approach it with a positive mind. Innocent Ninsiima Innocent Ninsiima The truth is; we all eventually cheat. It all depends on someone’s perception towards what marriage should or shouldn’t beMy decision about whether to keep with the woman or move on would be majorly affected by how I behave. If I myself have been cheating, I have no moral authority to start telling her to leave. Acleo Mugisha, Programs Director I wouldn’t separate from her. The fact that we men don’t get pregnant doesn’t mean we are holier than women. It’s not okay but I can live with it. It’s not the end of the world. Compiled by Dennis Agaba

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The nightmare of dealing with the unknown love child