People always get it wrong It’s true. When two people who love each other move in together, indeed, the dynamics of the relationship change. Very often, you will hear some people argue that when you love someone; you should be 100 % yourself around them, but let’s be honest, the moment you pack up your bags and move in with someone, some of your freedoms/habits stay at the doorstep. It is not uncommon to find a scenario where you have finally found the man for you but at the back of your mind, you know that he could use a little improvement in a few areas. Maybe the whole leaving-the-toilet-seat-up thing was never an issue when you were just hanging out, but now that you have moved in together, it is outright annoying. So, would I expect my partner to change his habits? Of course, first of all, you need to understand that as your partner, there is a difference between your mother and I. I am very comfortable going around the house picking after my daughter, a sock here, a hankie there or a cup there and I will not even mind for a second. After all, she is a child and it is something I am expected to do. What I am not ready to do and what I believe I am not expected to do is pick up after a grown man. That is impossible. When you move in with someone, it is new territory. It is the beginning of studying and adjusting to each other. This is the time when the lid on the entire pretense falls off and the real picture of who we are becomes clear. I am not saying that I am going to give you a complete makeover and turn you into my puppet; no but I expect you to adjust fast and recognise that you are not in the house alone anymore. I am not only pointing a finger at you telling you to change some habits as if I am perfect. No. As my partner, you have the right to point out things about me that make you uncomfortable. If I met you when I was a smoker but you are uncomfortable about my habit, you have every right to ask me to quit, and after all, no one gains anything from that nasty habit. Obviously, we are not going to pretend that everything is easy to throw on the table and open to discussion. Certain habits are more delicate than others. But we are a couple, if I don’t feel uncomfortable bringing it up with you, who would I feel comfortable talking about it with? As long as I am not raising my voice or being judgmental about it, why should he get offended? Old habits die hard When a couple moves in together, the dynamics of their relationship change like the wind. There are many things that quickly change including the bad habits of a person. How one reacts at this time could be the determinant of how happy the couple is for the rest of their life. A marriage or relationship is a union between two people and since time immemorial; history has never recorded two people that are exactly alike, not even identical twins. Although a couple is in love; they have different tastes, preferences and different opinions about things. It is unfair to rush into changing a companion’s habits. As a human being, my deepest craving is to be appreciated as I am. Couples sometimes try to be sculptors and also constantly carving out their spouses into an image of what they want them to be. Truth is, some things about people never change and the moment one wants to change the other, it always ends in disappointment because it never works. These actions and perceptions are against reality. No one is perfect. No one will ever be perfect and that is why happy couples don’t look for perfection in their partner. They are considerate, patient, communicate and learn to deal with their partner’s weakness and strengthen them with love. The golden rule in relationships is – ‘You get what you put in’. I believe a couple is supposed to practice this before even thinking of changing one another’s habits. If one finds that their partner has some annoying habits, let them get rid of their own annoying habits first and from that change, a partner can also notice what they can change too. It creates a war when one notices the others annoying habits and wants to change them when they also have their own annoying habits that they haven’t done away with. For example, some wives get totally mad when their husband leaves his towel on the floor or shoes at the door and socks all over the place but I have only two questions to ask. What does it take to pick that up and is that worth an argument that could ruin a happy couple for months? If your wife is always late and every now and then you get to the wedding 40 min late. Is arriving at someone else’s wedding on time worth your losing happiness for even a second (worth an argument)? With love, a couple can afford to overlook certain things that they know could easily start-off the 3rd World War in their marriage. I am not advising couples to over look something then bring it up later when having a heated argument but to overlook it and have the discipline and self-control not to bring it up again. editorial@newtimes.co.rw
