Absentee parents: Why would someone neglect their own blood?

At 17, Jessica Mutavu is not what most teenagers are at that age. She is not into new music or window shopping. She is quiet and reserved and has very few friends. When she was about 3 years old, Mutavu’s parents had a misunderstanding and her mother packed up and left. 14 years later, Mutavu has never heard about or from her mother again. “I have tried everything possible to reconnect with my mother but she seems to be completely uninterested. I find it strange when people talk about a mother’s unconditional love because I have never experienced it,” she says. Mutavu says that her mother’s absence in her life has affected her immensely and robbed her of her happiness. What do you call a parent who is completely uninterested in his or her own offspring? An absentee parent. Who is an absentee parent? Experts describe an absentee parent as a parent, who either wanders in and out of the child’s life providing a disruptive, inconsistent presence, or one who was an active part of their child’s life before abruptly ceasing contact or a parent who has never been involved in the life of their child. Nema Kamatari lives with both her parents. Her parents are financially comfortable and have never declined to buy her anything that she wishes. Both her father and mother run serious businesses and have little to no time to be around their children. What they lack for in time, they make for in lavish gifts. “I stay with both my parents but I rarely see them. They are always busy and the little time they get they focus on other responsibilities,” Kamatari says. She dreads school events because they make her feel lonely. “Whenever there are students and parents’ events at school, my parents never show up .I hate the way my friends pity me,” she says Kelly Johnson is a Counselor at Live Again Rwanda. She says that such a thing affect children in many ways even when it’s not entirely the parent’s fault. She says that the children feel like they have been abandoned and in the end get feelings of being rejected. “The other thing is that it does destruct the family dynamics because the absentee parent makes it hard to transition and bond with the family. A child can never have that sense of belonging because she or he does not have that person to rely on,” Johnson says. Some parents are not in their children’s lives not as a choice but rather as a result of varying factors, nevertheless that’s not an excuse enough. Whereas there are those who just have no interest in being in their children’s lives. Johnson says that parents who abandon their kids knowingly are very self-centered and lack some parenting instincts. “Such parents could be having an inability to handle parenting; it could be that they are having other priorities besides taking care of children. Parenthood could also be overwhelming for them where as others just don’t want to be parents,” she says. Parents who abandon their kids knowingly are very self-centered and lack some parenting instincts. She however says that there are other factors however that could be the cause such as divorce that could have separated the family. Some parents too could have been raised without their parents, hence to them abandoning a child could be seen as something normal. Others could have been raped and may not want to be a part of the child’s life because it reminds them of that negative experience in their life. Regardless though, Johnson says that parents should always try to beat all odds and be part of their children’s lives because it plays a very vital role. “Parents need to recognize their responsibility, for those who are away because of reasons like work they should try to compensate for the time lost by engaging with the children and building a relationship. Counseling and a family intervention can help those who do it intentionally,” she advises. Georgina Murenzi is a secondary school teacher in Kigali city. She says that some students at her school appear for classes when they are low and frustrated by things not going well back home. “Through our counseling department we found majority students suffering from feelings of rejection and abandonment by one or both their parents,” she says. Murenzi adds that some children have both parents but they tend to have other pressing priorities than to get involved in their children’s lives. From birth to 3 years a child is 100% dependent on his or her caregiver, at this stage the presence of parents is very important for the development of the child. (Net photos) She highlighted that the impacts are far reaching from depression to developing dreadful habits and at times some end up taking drugs or engaging in several violent activities. “This is really awful because a child is alone, with no parental guidance or a good role model and in the end, you find that a child is involved in unproductive and sometimes dangerous extra-curricular activities,” she said According to Jean Damascene Iyamuremye, a Psychologist based at Rwanda Biomedical Centre, good parents should be present in order to attend to the needs of their children; however these days a few parents are able to do that. He explains that every child passes through different stages of life and each stage is characterized by psycho-social challenges that present opportunities for development. “The effects of a parent’s absence differ depending on the age of the child. For example, from birth to 3 years a child is 100% dependent on his or her caregiver, at this stage the presence of parents is very important for the development of the child,” he says. If a child successfully develops trust, he or she will feel safe and secure in the world. Caregivers who are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or rejecting contribute to feelings of mistrust in the children they care for. Failure to develop trust results in fear and a belief that the world is inconsistent and unpredictable. “Such children whose parents are available for them are able to lead others. Those who fail to acquire these skills are left with a sense of guilt, self-doubt and lack of initiative. At the age of 6-11, children who are encouraged and commended by their parents develop a feeling of competence and belief in their skills while those who receive little or no encouragement will doubt their ability to be successful,” Iyamuremye says. In the adolescent years, youths develop a desire for independence from parents, achieve physical maturity. They experience major physical, intellectual and emotional changes while many go through growth spurts and their coordination often doesn’t keep up with their bodies, caught in the awkward position of wanting to assert their independence, yet longing for the stability of structure and discipline. Iyamuremye says that those who receive proper reinforcement through personal exploration will emerge from this stage with a strong sense of self and a feeling of independence and control whereas those who remain unsure of their beliefs and desires will be insecure and confused about themselves and the future. He advises that parents should take on their responsibility and be part of their children’s lives regardless of what might stand in the way. editorial@newtimes.co.rw ****************************************** How can we address the challenge of absentee parents? Edward Kabenga, businessman Edward Kabenga In case of a divorce, couples need to know that their separation and other disagreements shouldn’t literally come between those they put on earth. Children are innocent. Couples should continue to be close to their children and always be there for them in all ways. Christine Mutesi, Marketer Christine Mutesi Children should be the first priority. No doubt, some parents are extra busy with other life demanding activities but that shouldn’t excuse them from the first priority which is their children’s life. I believe no matter how busy, a good parent can always find time to be involved in his/her child’s life. A child needs parental guidance and without that their future is doomed. Monic Mabeyi, employee, Akagera Business Group Monic Mabeyi School fees and other life essentials are good for the child but literally not enough. A child needs parental touch, counsel, love and upbringing and that should be every parent’s responsibility. Being absent in a child’s life robs him/her of a chance in life that brightens one’s future and a foundation to moral behavior. In other words a parent’s involvement in a child’s life helps one to grow into a responsible citizen. Sabrina Kalisi, student Sabrina Kalisi Parents should endeavor to find time for their children; they should get involved in their lives because it helps a lot in a child’s upbringing, if they don’t receive love from their parents whom will they get it from? It is always the best when a parent shares more than parent-child relationship; they need that friendship level to understand their child more. Uwimana Aisha, artiste. Uwimana Aisha I don’t think it’s a good thing; the issue of absentee parents not only affects the child but rather the future generation. Kids who are abandoned grow into insecure adults. Well am one of the children who grew up with a single mother, and I know that such is not easy. Parents might be busy but they should show some love, may be take the kids out over the weekend, share breakfast like once in a while something that can create a bond. Charles Shyaka, student Charles Shyaka Things have changed a lot these days; most families are led by single parents, something which affects children as they are growing up. Parents should make it a point to get involved in their children’s lives even if they don’t live with them may be because of issues like divorce, they should visit or call to check on the kids. A parent is the major role model of a child. Compiled by Dennis Agaba

Lifestyle

Absentee parents: Why would someone neglect their own blood?