Four years ago, Christine Mukamanzi met her future husband at a mutual friend’s wedding. They were young, single and ready to mingle. By the end of the wedding, they had hit it off. In two weeks, they were officially dating and in ten months, they walked down the aisle. Mukamanzi had married the man of her dreams or at least that’s what she thought. He was handsome, smart and was running his own successful business. What the new bride didn’t know was that her husband was a pathological liar and habitual philanderer. She also did not know that besides the baby that she was expecting, her husband was already a father of a set of twins, who were born just a month before she married him. “He lied literally about everything. He was a womanizer and he was in serious debt. He didn’t know how to for example ask for my help with say, the debts. The reality of what I had gotten myself into hit me all at once when the mother of his twins showed up at our house and it occurred to me that I actually didn’t know the man that I was married to. I just packed up and left,” she says Many couples find out a bit too late that they do not know well enough the person they married. Mukamanzi’s story is not unusual. Joyce Kirabo is a therapist attached to the Mount Kenya University Counseling Desk. In an interview with this reporter, Kirabo said that from the beginning of this year alone, she has extended her counseling services to over 20 couples who were in the process of divorce. She says that there are usually many different reasons motivating each couple’s decision to end a marriage but based on the clients that she has so far dealt with, three issues stand out. “The first one is adultery where you meet a man cheating on his wife or the wife cheating on her husband or both spouses cheating on each other. Then there is the money issue where you find a man has failed to cater for his family and the third one is the issue of in laws whose interference in a marriage is deemed extreme,” she saysKirabo blames the increasing number of divorce cases to cultural degeneration. “We have lost touch with the principles of our African culture. Our culture taught us openness, tolerance, patience, forgiveness but today all that is not something that is held with the regard it deserves,” she says Some couples lack communication skills. She also blamed the failure for couples to try courtship; an opportunity that she said would be important in making the right choice for a marriage partner. “These days, people meet in bars, they meet in night clubs and cinemas and they seem not to look at the bigger picture. They are into financial and physical attributes yet we all know that those are not the most important attributes of a partner,” she says. There is also the issue of age. In Rwanda, legally, men and women who are 21 years old can marry. Behavioural experts however say that at 21, most people at this age are only trying to begin figuring out what they want and who they are. In 2013, among the four primary courts in Kigali, an average 50 divorce cases were recorded in Nyarugunga and Kagarama for the year 2013. In Nyarugenge alone, records indicate that divorce petitions were 23 in 2010, 30 in 2011 and 34 in 2012. Nyamirambo divorce cases took the lead with a reported 60 cases by the end of 2013. Communication is key. Failing to talk to each other makes issues worse. Article 237 of the Rwandan law of 1988 says that a couple can be granted a divorce if the spouse has deserted the marital home for at least 12 months, failed to contribute to essential household expenses, practiced cruelty or serious abuse, engaged in gender based violence or when the couple mutually agrees to separate. Moise Nkundabarashi is a lawyer and partner at Kimihurura based Trust Law Chambers. He says that legally, a couple seeking divorce is required to appear in court for a session referred to as ‘tentative conciliation’ where the judge tries to mediate between the couple. Upon failure of reconciliation, a court date is then set. He blames the rising rate of divorces on how people, especially men, are interpreting their rights. “It’s a good thing that women rights are recognised in Rwanda but I think what is worrying is the way these rights are sometimes misunderstood and used to advance other negative agendas,” he said High expectations sometimes lead some spouses to end the marriage if they aren’t met. (Net photos) Nkundabarashi says that another reason could be the way traditional values seem to have been replaced with modernity where for example, patience was a component of what kept couples going. Reverend Jean Sibomana of ADEPR church says that the church is aware that most young couples are having trouble staying married and to remedy this, the number of days set aside for marriage counseling have been significantly increased from one week to three months. “We realised that the young couples need more time to understand what marriage is all about and to be equipped with the right behavioural tools that can keep them firm. We take this counseling very seriously,” he said Sibomana also said that though the marriage institution is not what it used to be, the issue could be a result of how children are raised. “Children need to be counseled from an early stage. Upbringing really matters in all this. When the young men and women are ready for marriage, parents need to use their experiences to encourage them,” he says. editorial@newtimes.co.rw ************************* Why marriages are breaking up Alex Dushimimana Alex Dushimimana Personally, I think the major reason why several marriages are collapsing is the absence of mutual true love. Many couples get married for less important reasons than love and there is no doubt that a relationship whose foundation is not true love can’t last. Alphonse Nsabimana Alphonse Nsabimana Early marriages contribute to the reasons why marriages are breaking up so easily today. People these days get married when they are still very young and this makes them vulnerable and incapable of handling family problems. Young couples lack patience and commitment to endure family problems positively thus opting to run when a problem strikes. Anne Marie Nikuzwe Anne Marie Nikuzwe In my opinion, this is mainly due to misunderstandings between couples and lack of a mutual connection which they would have gotten during courtship. Many couples of this generation don’t get time to first know each other. Most of them rush into marriages and when a misunderstanding arises; it becomes impossible for them to stay together since they lack a strong foundation. Honorine Kamahoro Honorine Kamahoro Most couples break up because the love for money is more important than the love for a partner and this becomes hard to tolerate. There is no doubt that some people get married for property or financial reasons and this makes staying together for the long haul very difficult. Jean Marie Vianney Sibomana Jean Marie Vianney Sibomana Physical abuse is one of the major reasons why marriages are breaking up so easily. Some people get married not knowing who they are really getting married to. When an argument or problem breaks out, fists instead of dialogue take over. Eventually, that marriage has to collapse. Compiled by Dennis Agaba
