Yes, keeping it would only haunt me Rape is a nightmare for anybody. With it, comes psychological trauma and in most cases, it has a lot to do with relationship disorders or misunderstandings. Keeping that part of me from my spouse is like keeping myself from him. If I have the chance to let him know that other part of me, that darkest part of me that is killing me slowly but surely alone, I would take it. Many would be scared to talk about rape for fear of losing that one person they love the most. But why would someone walk out on you because of such a horrendous experience that was not even your fault? They may even help you cope with the burden and nightmare. That’s what love means – helping each other get through bad times. Yes I would tell him, regardless of anyone thinking I’m not of sound mind. The fact that it happened sometime back won’t make me change my mind because it’s never too late to get help. I think that sharing this terrible experience with him would bring us closer because I like to believe that the person I’m with is concerned about my wellbeing. If one walks out on you because of a tragedy that befell you, that is a dim-witted and selfish person. In fact in such cases, thank God that the person walked out of your life, because you don’t deserve such a mean person. God will be saving you from the worst. I would let my partner know that dark past of my life. It’s better than if he found out from other people. I don’t think there is anyone strong enough to hide such a dark secret, all their life! Eventually, that truth you didn’t want let out will surface – it always does! editorial@newtimes.co.rw Telling is reliving the horrific moment It is hard to put in words an experience you have never encountered since you do not know what your reaction would be if you faced it, but I don’t know if I would tell my spouse that I was raped. I find it very hard for a rape victim to reveal to their spouse the horrific act, not because they are scared, but because of the trauma, they won’t even be able to explain what happened. Rape is horrendous, it’s not something a victim would sit down comfortably and talk about because that would be reliving the horrible moment. The trauma that comes with the horrific act would limit any strength to tell! The stigma associated with being raped can also hold one back from telling their spouse. It would be hard to make a spouse believe that you were raped and that’s why some victims decide not to say anything at all. Sometimes, and sadly, a spouse may reject the victim, for no fault of their own obviously, because the thought of being with someone who was raped is too much for them. And should this happen, the victim will also not take the rejection well and it could stir even bigger problems. Personally, I feel that if I tell my spouse, there is a good chance he won’t believe me and will reject me or see me differently. It’s usually hard to know one’s reaction when you give them information of that nature. The other reason why I would not tell my spouse about rape is the fact that there is usually no visible evidence to prove it. The publication by Dr Laura Berman titled ‘How Sexual Assault Affects Your Relationship and Sex Life’ indicates that rape can devastate individuals, as well as challenge and change relationships in unimaginable ways. Dr Berman, who is also a sex therapist, revealed how powerful the impact of rape can be on couples. She further revealed that whether one is a rape victim or the partner is the victim, sexual assault can leave an indelible mark on one’s sexuality and relationship with other people. Berman revealed that when one is raped, it might be hard for them to trust anyone, even spouses. A rape victim feels dirty, disgusted, or even angry when their partner tries to touch or get intimate with them. doreen.umutesi@newtimes.co.rw
