Ask the counselor: My friend is dating my mum

I am 28 years old and have a 31 year old male friend. We have been friends since we started working together about six years ago. At my young sister’s graduation a year ago, I invited him and he really made an impression with my family. They liked him immediately. My sister even suggested that I date him but I have never looked at him that way. After the graduation and party, he offered to drop my mum home which I didn’t find odd at all. However, it came to my attention through a very reliable source that since that day, they have secretly been seeing each other. At first I laughed and actually dismissed it. I decided to tell my friend the story thinking he would find it silly too but imagine my shock when he told me that it was true. He said he was tired of hiding and that he loves my mum. I thought I was losing my mind. I confronted my mum and she seems to share the same interest. The woman is 50! She has been single for very many years. My father died when I was still in school. Yes, I would like to see her happy again, but not with a man 20 years her junior, and certainly not my friend! I don’t want to imagine what people are going to say. This is so embarrassing and I wish she would snap out of it. I’m even thinking about moving to another country because I don’t think I can be around them together. I’m an only child so I have no siblings to share my despair with. How can I make them see sense? Claire, Kimihurura The counselor’s thoughts... Joyce Kirabo Since time immemorial, it’s an abomination to have a mother and daughter share the same boyfriend. Such action is even against the principles of natural justice which emanate from the moral standards of uprightness that an individual is expected to exhibit in any social setting by virtue of being human. However, this is just a friend to you and even still, your mother’s crazy action of getting a crush on him at the expense of her parental dignity plus your friend’s startling event of reciprocating her romantic expressions posses more questions than answers. The first impression is that, the boy must be feeling on top of the world being close to both daughter and mother and must be questioning both you and your mother’s levels of intelligence. The second shocking event surrounding this unusual behaviour is your mother’s determination to reduce her self to that extent without having any internal self conviction about such action which will only bring total disgrace and shame to the entire family. You must be undergoing a tough situation I guess. The chance, however, is that you have been made aware of this mess earlier enough so before the humiliation sinks deeper, you had better step out of this relationship and let go of both of them. You are lucky that his true character has been manifested at the right time because, God forbid, if you had also started a relationship with him, it would be a disaster. It is important that you sit down with the boy and frankly express your feelings about his union with your mum while clearly explaining the reasons why you have to quit the friendship. Respect your mother as your only parent and appreciate her efforts to produce and bring you up but, also, approach her and highlight the likely imminent risks that her relationship with your friend is likely to yield. Your focus should be on the open doors ahead of you rather than the dark closed misleading door. ******************** Your feedback: Readers advise Claire He must really be liking her Kasimu Nyakarundi For a man his age to love a woman at 50 and is ready to court her, he is really into her. He wants to be with your mother. Give it time and wait and see how it goes. Maybe this is her time to be happy and she will find love again. She can take care of herself Joan Kifuuko Why are you worrying so much about your mother? She is older and more mature and knows exactly what she wants. Let her be and care more about yourself. Maybe you need to stop judging her and find a partner as well. Her happiness is what matters Fiona Bigira Your mother is with a person she loves and does not care what people think about her. What is the point of pleasing people when you are not happy? It is about her not about people’s opinions. You need to protect her Christopher Nakolada Your mother is too old to handle heartbreaks so protect her. That man will definitely leave her soon for some younger lady after he has got all he needs from her. Don’t be lied to. Men will always be men. I give it five months before he realises she is too old and boring after he has met a fun girl at a party. She needs love in her life Pamela Kalisa Having been unmarried for a year doesn’t take away the fact that she still needs some loving. Don’t get involved. Mind more about her happiness instead of who is making her happy. It is what matters the most. ***************** FACEBOOK: She is too old Benon Buluma Your mother is too old for him. This young man should be dating you and I am almost sure she loves him way more than he loves her. It is only a matter of time before reality checks in and he realises he is spending too much time with someone old enough to be his mother. Age is just a number Yvonne Esteeri She is giving him what he needs and he is giving her what she needs. Age is just a number and love doesn’t know what age is. You need a man too Robert Ndekezi Why are you so worried about your mother’s decision when you haven’t even gotten a boyfriend yet? Maybe you should focus more on happiness than what people think. She’s a grown woman Lillian Kananura Unless you wanted the man for yourself I do not see what the problem is. Are you saying that your mum has no rights to love? Needless to say, we don’t choose who we fall in love with. So age shouldn’t be the basis of your disapproval. What people will say is also a very lame excuse. I know we live in a demented society but reinforcing the ideologies of what age should be with who is unacceptable. Perhaps living in another country will make you feel better but it will not take away the problem. At 28, you should be able to deal with this and understand that there are bigger things to worry about in life. You can’t trust that guy Anicha My dear, pray about it. Men these days have so many intentions that usually aren’t good. Take care. Talk sense into her Emarald Nabimana It doesn’t add up at all. The lust won’t last so slap your mother out of the dream. 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Ask the counselor: My friend is dating my mum