Relationships: Teenage parenting: Every parent’s menace

Brenda Tusiime (not her real name) had a decent childhood. She attended good schools, had a good family background, went to church, sang in the choir every Sunday, and watched the right kind of movies. She was the envy of everybody. Being an only child, she was pampered from her parents and spoilt on birthdays. Her mother Irene Bukenya, 37, made sure her daughter got the utmost discipline and demonstrated acceptable behaviour. She maintained a 24/7 discipline regimen with the hope that she would be able to bring her up exactly how she wanted. When her mother was at work, Brenda was under the good care of the maid. She would always be picked up from school by one of her parents. Irene always made sure Brenda ate meals at the family table in the presence of her parents. Irene thought it was important to talk about certain incidents that would further shape their daughter’s life. Brenda was always obedient, adhering to rules with no questioning: Rules about holding hands when crossing the road or not chewing gum at the dinner table. Irene attended all the social functions at school and talked to her daughter’s teachers to track her academic progress. Her daughter was splendid.She did her homework well. She was a symbol of hope in her mother’s eyes. Brenda has just turned 16 years and her mother is almost in tears. “My little girl has become more difficult. She leaves home at 9 a.m. and returns past 10 p.m. My husband and I can’t sleep until we know she is home. I worry myself sick and she won’t listen to us.” Irene cannot figure out what is taking place right now. She says the situation is getting out of hand. Brenda has now gotten more rebellious at school and at home. Michael Asaba, a teen age counselor based in Rakai, Uganda, says “All children resist parental and other authority at one time or another,” he says. He says this is particularly true during the time of physical and emotional development during adolescence. What to do? Asaba explains that well thought out boundaries give adolescents room to grow while protecting them from harm. But children should not live in an atmosphere that is so rigid and constricting that they are prevented from developing reasonable measure of self-reliance and self-confidence. When parents strive for a balance between fair latitude and firm boundaries that are clearly marked, most teenagers will feel less inclined to rebel. Rebellion may also break out when a child feels that his parents have no interest in him or feels they don’t meet their basic needs. Ruth (not her real name), a teenager, says “At least I get to have some attention - everyone kind of worries about me”. Asaba advises that as difficult as it may be, parents may need to break the habit of responding negatively to the requests of their children for greater independence. A child needs to grow as an individual. Freedom brings with it accountability. Therefore allow your emerging adult to experience the consequences of some of his/her decisions and actions. If your child asks to do something totally unacceptable try to say no in a calm reasonable manner and you could explain your answer but let your no be no. Young people also need the security of consistent discipline even if they may not always readily agree with the restrictions and rules, just remember to build a relationship with your teens, because rules without a relationship will not work. Parents can be comforted to know that when peace stability and love exist, the children will usually flourish. Ends