Volunteer counselor helps Kigali couples save their marriages

A saying goes that “no man is an island,” but it holds true that no marriage is an island either. Married couples facing difficulties in their relationship are realizing that they are not alone, and that there is support to be found if they need it from marriage counselors. Counseling programs exist to aid couples at any stage of their relationship. Couples in crisis can discover their strengths, that all is not lost, while targeting areas that need the most work to renewing their relationship. Margarita Kajeguhakwa, 58, is a marriage counselor in Kimisagara suburb off Nyamirambo Road. She started her practice six years ago after realizing that many families had lost touch of their meaning. Couples whose weddings she had attended were seeking divorce after just a few years of marriage. “I recognized that many families were facing divorce due to minor problems that could be solved through counseling and guidance, so I decided to start up counseling classes after completing my studies in the United States” says Kajeguhakwa. Kajeguhakwa adds that she thought many married couples needed counseling for a firm foundation in marriage. “I am glad many married people believe in me now that they take in what I tell them. Yes, their families are stable and whenever they have problems among themselves they always come to me,” says Kajeguhakwa. Kajeguhakwa had suffered herself in a difficult marriage, and now delights in helping families stabilize and grow stronger. She said that apart from her family there were many women suffering quietly like her, and that many families collapse because they do not communicate or seek outside support when they need it. Kajeguhakwa notes that many couples come trying to find out who is to blame for their marital problems, but through the counseling process realize they both contribute to their conflicts and misunderstandings. Over two hundred couples have come to Kajeguhakwa for help to heal their marriages. Many couples who visit her practice praise her counseling openly. Kwiza Ndagije Solomon is one of Kajeguhakwa’s long time clients. “I have been coming here for over two years,” says Kwiza, opening a manual filled with counseling guidelines and ideas. “There was a time when my wife almost called for a divorce due to my bad character, she gave me a second chance and that’s when a friend directed me to this place for counseling. The situation has since changed to the best.” Kwiza attributes the positive change in his marriage to Kajeguhakwa: “Kajeguhakwa changed my life and this restored my marriage. She is my marriage mentor, she is a miracle and when I think of my predicament I think she saved me.” Kwiza and his wife testify on how marriage counseling and guidance has helped them. “It’s now been four years in marriage. Before we got married we did not know we needed some guidance and counseling, especially when one takes into mind that it is the beginning of a lifetime commitment… it is not easy but Kajeguhakwa’s guidance has helped us very much.” Kajeguhakwa enjoys and finds fulfillment in her work. “I do counseling out of good will and I welcome many couples to my services, those married and those preparing for marriage,” she says. “Traditionally no one would ever get a divorce. It would have been very serious for a couple to divorce, unlike today where one may divorce after just a small quarrel.” She says that for the sake of a lasting marriage, there are many questions couples should answer before they commit to the one that ends with “I do.” Preparatory sessions gets couples talking about issues they may not have considered earlier, and also gets them discussing issues they may have thought of but were afraid to bring up. This gives counselors a natural path to follow when helping couples, and encourages couples to proactively help themselves. “We’ve already run into stories where people have not discussed basic issues like, ‘Do you want to have children?’” says Jack Nkuruzinza, a youth counselor in Restoration Church. “When you take into account that there are no right answers, if he or she says I want three, and the other wants none, how do you do that?” “Even if you love each other, you don’t always agree on approaches to married life,” he adds, pointing out that pre-marriage preparatory sessions also give the counselor important insight into the bride and groom’s family backgrounds and prior relationship attitudes. “I’m not sure if it makes a marriage succeed but what I know its purpose is to give an awareness of the areas of strength and areas of potential difficulty. It’s like giving them preventative guidance. And in the end it is the couple who determines if the marriage will succeed or fail.” Kajeguhakwa adds that counseling is an excellent way to get couples talking and building the strengths in their relationship. “It’s an insurance plan. It teaches a habit,” she says. Once couples get into a routine of talking to each other, working on their relationship and seeking counseling when they feel they need help, it keeps a marriage “tuned up and healthy.” The biggest challenge Kajeguhakwa faces is lack of a permanent office. She has secured a temporary two-roomed house for counseling near the Ecole de Kimisagara. “I am renting these rooms with the support of friends. I do not ask for money from the people who come for counseling – it’s just a voluntary service.” Kajeguhakwa has been nicknamed “Kaje” by most of her clients. One can’t get lost – at the mere mention of the name “Kaje”, people will show the way to her offices. Ends