A serene hotel experience describes a situation where some guests into a Five-Star hotel are selectively asked “where are you going?” by the uniformed but uncouth guard manning the grand entrance. The daftness of this question reminds me of the intruder who got caught stealing in someone’s bedroom and, on being asked what he was doing, replied with a straight face that he “was looking for a taxi motor to town!” Before this particular serene hotel experience, I had gone through a similar encounter, about two months ago, as I walked into a popular Asian fusion eatery in the mighty Nyarutarama. What the guard at this particular eatery wanted to know from me was where I was heading. With a straight face, and without shying away from eye contact, I declared my intentions: I was here to try the Shisha. That settled, I further inquired from him if the establishment hosted a lodgement, a.k.a amacumbi facility in the backyard, seeing as I was worn out and needed a siesta. Of course, being an eatery, there was no amacumbi, so I settled for Shisha. A serene hotel experience also describes a situation where the hotel wait staff now take time off to brandish the technical and industry jargon newly acquired from catering school. What is catering school? That place where hotel wait staff are taught a few choice terms with which to torment anyone that sets unfortunate foot in their multiple-star work stations. Catering school is a school where aspiring waiters and waitresses are introduced to the art of disregarding a client’s order with regard to the temperature of water they want served. Let’s assume that you’ve ordered for “cold water” or “a bottle of cold Inyange”. Because the waiter attending to you has to put the catering jargon he picked up in catering school to good use, they will see the need to disregard this simple request. Waiter: “So you asked for cold water? We also have chilled water, sir! Or do you want it at room temperature sir?” That is how some waiters and waitresses go. Well, if I should fork out $3 for a meager drop of bottled water, it had better be chilled. In the same vein, nonsensical questions like “do you want it at room temperature” had better not be part of the bargain. Another use of catering school is that is teaches those who go through it to wave and smile shyly at journalists and tell them that “I know you. We know you”. However, and sadly, this knowing of the journalist will never translate into subsidised rates on that obscenely priced pint of water at room temperature. So, what the heck?
