Relationships: Staying committed

Think about it. You move into this marriage or relationship with a lot of hope, but eventually you realise the relationship is not going as expected. Every other day you are sad and miserable. At times you are tempted to give up. But remember, it is normal to occasionally experience distress. Commitment to the relationship is related to the quality of the relationship. It makes sense that people who commit themselves to a relationship are more likely to find happiness and sustain their relationships than people who are not committed or commit half–heartedly. One of the pre-requisites of a healthy relationship is that it is necessary to make a commitment in order to reap benefits. A farmer does not get a good harvest unless he or she has cared for crops through bad weather, pests, and droughts. A student will not get good grades at school without making a commitment to learn and study in spite of sickness, poor teachers, and difficult assignments. A marriage is not likely to last unless partners have enough commitment to sustain it through difficult times. The flimsy base of emotions is not enough to sustain relationships through the inevitable challenges in relationships. Investing in a relationship may be much like building a bank balance. Couples will never build a substantial bank balance unless they are committed to making regular deposits. Commitment is about making choices to invest in a relationship. The first key to cultivating commitment is making the relationship primary. With many demands on our time, sometimes our relationships only get small fragments of leftover time and energy. This is likely to leave the relationship starved and empty. It is not the outings or vacations abroad that assure the strength of a relationship as much as the common, shared, regular activities like cooking or cleaning the house together. Such activities give couples an opportunity to connect. The second key to cultivating commitment is setting limits on intrusions. For commitment to thrive, a couple must be willing to set some boundaries. For example, a couple might decide that they will not invite a member of the extended family to come live with them unless they have discussed it together and have come to agreement. Some couples agree not to talk with anyone outside the relationship about their marriage problems unless that person is a friend of the relationship that is, someone who wants to help them succeed as a couple. Others decide that both partners will avoid going out to dinner or spending time alone with someone who could be a threat to the relationship. While others agree to carefully monitor their feelings of attraction to others outside the relationship so that they won’t allow outside attractions to grow. The third key to commitment is building rituals of connection. Each couple can design rituals of connection that will sustain relationship commitment. Some couples worship together or take classes together and share their discoveries with each other. Some couples take time for hugging, walking, running, or other exercising. Any activity that helps a couple to feel close can strengthen and support commitment. The activities listed above are primarily preventive – they are intended to keep commitment from eroding. But there are also ways of supporting commitment for those who are uncertain of the future of their relationship. If commitment is largely based on moral obligation, as a couple you have to think about the promises they have made. Think about the effects of relationship failure on their family and friends. Think about the challenges you will face just incase you decide to divorce – and maybe even reflect on difficulties faced by friends who have divorced. Of course there are some destructive relationships that need to end but the mindset people take to commitment is important. You can choose to see your partner through rose-colored glasses – we can look for and celebrate the good times and good qualities you enjoy with your partner. Anything that partners do to keep themselves mindful of the relationship’s best moments can strengthen the commitment. Each partner can work to stay aware of qualities and strengths in the person he or she loves. When there are problems, rather than conclude that the relationship is a sinking ship, they can see the trouble as a passing storm. Contact: ubernie@gmail.com