Teen romance: You could be digging your academic grave

I had to get a girlfriend,” 16 year-old James Mazimpaka says before adding, “I had such strong feelings for her and I couldn’t control myself.” He, however, admits that a relationship may have done more harm than good to him because his performance in class declined consistently, yet he cannot be entirely blamed for his actions. According to a study by researchers Furman and Shaffer in 2003, a romantic relationship is an important element in an adolescent’s life. Teenagers spend much of their time thinking, talking, and engaging in romantic relationships. Strong positive or negative emotions in teenagers are more commonly caused by romantic relationships as opposed to other kinds of relationships or aspects of their lives. Should teenagers get into relationships? Arlene Ngabire, 15, a student strongly believes that anybody below eighteen years is too young to be in a relationship. “There are many challenges in relationships. For instance, if you have a boyfriend and he is sick, you are likely to lose concentration in class,” she says. Chung Pham, a senior researcher in the US, carried out a study which established that teenage relationships have a strong link to low performance in class. The study also showed that early sexual activity initiated among young girls was related to negative health outcomes such as an increased rate of getting Sexually Transmitted Diseases, increased likelihood of having an abortion, increased rates of depression, and decreased happiness, which are likely to foster negative academic outcomes. JMV Minyaruko, a teacher, says, “I don’t support the idea of teenage relationships. I know that boys at such a young age are incapable of being committed or even being truly in love, they only want sex. As a teacher and parent, I advise against it.” Like Minyaruko, most parents fear that their children are not fully grown and are incapable of making good choices while in relationships as they are easily carried away by emotions. “I wouldn’t want my teenage children to get into relationships. They are not in any way prepared for the consequences like unwanted pregnancies, diseases and the psychological effect of failed relationships,” Kayumba says. Nishimwe, however, thinks that a failed relationship isn’t such a big issue. After all, he says, he is not planning to marry the girl he is currently dating. “I would just get another one as soon as I possibly can,” he muses. “The result of teenage relationships usually, is teenage pregnancies which disrupts or sometimes completely destroys their future. So I tell my students and children to avoid relationships until they have completed their studies,” says Minyaruko. In the end, most parents veto the idea of teenage romance and sometimes go to the extent of forbidding their teenage children from having any close association with the opposite sex. It is for this reason that when teenagers begin to form romantic relationships with the opposite sex, they do it behind the back of their parents. Both Mazimpaka and Nishimwe cannot tell their parents about their girlfriends because they cannot handle the harsh reprimand that this would cause. Moreover, they fear that parents would deny them the freedom that they previously enjoyed. It is hard to say that at this stage in life, teenagers are fully prepared to deal with the attention that relationships demand in addition to other equally challenging aspects of their lives like family and social responsibilities. It is no wonder that when teenagers start engaging in relationships, their academic performance is likely to suffer. Reasons why teenagers get into relationships According to Christopher Kayumba, a parent, teenagers are curious about so many things at this stage in their lives and they experience sexual impulses towards people of the opposite sex. This, combined with peer pressure, forces them to enter relationships. Maurice Rukimbira, a pastor and counsellor agrees with Kayumba, saying: “Teenage romance is definitely sparked off by attraction towards people of the opposite sex.” Rukimbira also believes that teenagers think that being in a relationship proves that they are mature and should thus be treated as adults. “Teenagers believe that they know it all. They have a strong sense of rebellion, believing that they are more intelligent than everybody else. It is for this reason that they make impulsive decisions like starting relationships,” says Aaron Nishimwe, an eighteen year-old student. Other times, teenagers feel as though they are being ignored or misunderstood by their family members. This often occurs while growing up in a home that is dysfunctional, broken or even lacks the presence or attention of one or both parents. Any of these factors is bound to make a teenager feel insecure and lonely. Therefore, they will be forced to try and fill that gap by seeking solace and love from other people. They are most likely to find comfort in the arms of their peers. Teenagers in the 21st century are also exposed to numerous forms of entertainment like movies and songs because of the existence of various social media like Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. More often than not, the movies and songs that the teenagers listen to, portray exaggerated messages, encouraging teenage romance. Further still, teenagers have a tendency to emulate musicians and movie stars who are within their age range as a means to improve their social image. This is because during the teen years, that is when a person is most concerned about what other people think of him or her. So, young people are forced to conform to the social norm of being in a relationship to avoid becoming social outcasts. How to handle teenage relationships “From an early age, the relationship between parents and their children should be based on love and mutual respect, not fear,” Kayumba says. It’s always easier for teenagers to listen to their parents when advice is dispensed in a way that allows them to express their own views compared to when parents use their authority to force the young people into bending to their will as this will only breed rebellion. Rukimbira also believes that parents should facilitate communication and build trust within their children at a young age because poor communication leads to conflict and conflict leads to rebellion. The result of this rebellion is a group of teenagers making secretive decisions disregarding the authority of their parents, seeking the guidance of their peers who are mostly just as young and equally naive. “Parents should endeavour to communicate with their children and always provide them with enough information and advice. If they don’t do this, the children will acquire information from elsewhere and it is likely to be wrong,” advises Kayumba. Obviously, having wrong information will result in bad choices which will cause the teenagers to feel frustrated and disappointed. In other instances, parents assume that because a teenager acts responsible and mature, they are fully capable of making the right decisions and choosing what is best for them. This is a wrong assumption as teenagers are still children and haven’t fully developed the capacity to tackle some challenges. Teenagers experience very tense emotions. When the relationships fail, almost all the aspects of their lives are likely to be affected. They are likely to start failing in class, becoming socially withdrawn and even estranged from their own families. Ngabire says: “If I was in a relationship and it failed, I would be so frustrated that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate in class.” This would ultimately affect her academics. If such teenagers find themselves in a school environment where the administration and teachers are strict, the loneliness, humiliation and helplessness they feel when the relationship ends may push them to use self-destructing means like alcoholism and drug abuse to deal with their problems. They may even attempt something as extreme as suicide. “We wish for an open line of communication with our parents. We want to be able to tell them how we feel and what we are experiencing but we don’t know where to start,” says Esparance Dushimeyesu, a sixteen year-old student. It’s important for both parents and teachers to monitor the teenagers for any signs of change especially in academic performance and general behaviour. Most times when these two aspects take a negative spin, it’s the sign of an underlying problem. So, instead of being quick to apprehend students for poor performance, there should be an effort to find out the cause and a solution where possible. Teenagers should also recognise that they have the biggest role to play in making responsible choices as they affect their lives more than anyone. Ishimwe Beiyse, a fifteen year-old student, believes that dating someone with a negative personality can totally ruin you as they are capable of influencing you to start bad habits like alcoholism and drug abuse. It is true that teenage relationships can have a big and long lasting impact on someone’s individuality, their general outlook on life as well as their view about love and friendship. So teenagers ought to tread carefully by questioning whether or not being in a relationship is the best thing for them at this time in their lives. Teachers, students give their views Edith Birungi, teacher at Lacolombiere Students should be guided on how to deal with certain situations. Adolescents tend to get over excited about so many things especially relationships. Students should be guided and told the repurcussions of getting involved in relationships at a tender age. __________________ Obanda Wafula, a teacher Students ought to be positively guided about sexual relations and the negative outcomes they could have on them. The dangers include Sexually Transmitted Diseases, unwanted pregnancies and attacks from spouses of the cheating patners. _________________ Aline Mukamanzi, student I don’t see anything wrong with relating with boys at school as long as it’s for academic purposes only. Getting involved in a love relationship now may not be the best idea. _________________ Henry Miyingo, a teacher There is always time for everything in life. At the moment, students should concentrate on their studies and think of relationships after. Fortunately, they will be more mature to handle them. ___________________ Jolly Tumusiime, teacher Guidance and counselling should be included in the national curriculum. Students should be taken through counselling sessions once every week to increase awareness about the do’s and dont’s of relationships. This will discourage students especially girls from being exploited by men. ________________ Patrick Iranzi,a teacher of music It is hard to stop a child from getting into a relationship. So we should instead teach the students how to handle them without losing focus on their studies. Additional reporting by Pontian Kabeera

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Teen romance: You could be digging your academic grave