It doesn't matter how much effort you put in a relationship for it to work, an emotionally unavailable partner is hard to love, and this is because they don’t even know how to receive love. Firstly, such people are poor at communication and it’s intentional. You will send them a message, and wait eagerly for a response, but in vain. Sometimes, the emotionally absent people will throw in excuses like ‘they’re busy’, but even busy people sacrifice some time for the people they love. Experts say that an emotionally unavailable person has a hard time receiving love and other deep emotions from others. The Urban Dictionary describes emotionally unavailable partners as those who create barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted. For instance, such people find it hard to make time for friends and loved ones. Emotionally unavailable people are sometimes addicts; whether the addiction is to work, drugs, food, television, exercise, a hobby or the Internet, it will take up a considerable amount of time and energy and leave little time for you. How to spot an emotionally unavailable partner According to Lillian Mutesi, a resident of Gisozi, emotionally absent partners are a headache, they find fault, problems or negativity in every situation, so as to distance themselves from you-they will openly single-out your mistakes even when it’s not necessary. As you try to bond with them, they pull away, this is because they’re either scared or uncomfortable to be close to you. Regardless of how much you may want the relationship to work and even openly discuss the future, they say less or nothing about it. When love is one-sided, it’s exhausting, she says. Mutesi carries on that emotionally unavailable partners fear commitment, which is why they don’t find the need to even introduce you to their friends or relatives, even after dating for long. She adds that such people have trust issues and would say it, no wonder it’s through that, that they would rather stay away, for fear of getting hurt. Mutesi stresses that an emotionally unavailable partner would feel bored or frustrated when you express your feelings as they don’t know what to do-they freak out when it comes to handling emotions. They don’t open up about themselves for reasons best known to them, perhaps they were hurt or disappointed in their past relationships, and believe closing themselves from their partners would hinder them from getting hurt now or in the future. Emotionally unavailable people don’t pay attention to what you say to understand, they rush to conclusions that you’re seeking attention, moody and so forth, which may hurt you or play with your self-esteem. They make you feel that you want so much from them, for instance, their care, time, which they ought to give if they love you, but yet, they don’t, says Counselor Irene Gakumba. She also notes that emotionally absent people don’t want to define what they have, even when they seem to be dating. They leave you second-guessing what you have. At times, they even rush things, you have probably met them a week, but they sweet-talk you into a romantic relationship, they don’t give a relationship time to develop naturally. When you fall into their trap, it’s just a matter of time until they show you mixed signals, as what seemed so good in the start, turns bitter and questionable. On top of that, deep conversations scare them off, and worst of all, making a relationship work is a burden to them, she adds. Gakumba highlights that some people are emotionally unavailable due to childhood experiences such as trauma, saddened by a loss—loss of a loved one, a job, or can’t handle conflicts, have never committed to any relationship before. At times it’s even mental health conditions, or they are not ready and don’t want to fall in love. “These people can make you question what the problem is with you, yet they are in fault. If not careful, the relationship may become toxic,” she says. Gakumba notes that if the person who is emotionally unavailable doesn’t acknowledge their mistakes or problems on several occasions, it’s time to call it quits. She also says that don’t stay quiet if you aren’t happy about how your partner is treating you, you can also seek therapy or counseling. “Get to know the cause of the problem, and that way, you will find a solution. If they love you, support your partner to get better. Focus on your mental health by exercising, partaking in yoga, self-care and so forth, as this will help you cope with the problem or help support your partner to be better,” she states.
