The woes of a young widow

At just 30 years of age, Odette Uwimana’s husband was murdered and she was left with the responsibility of taking care of their four young children singlehandedly. My husband was killed on April 11, 1994 during the Genocide against the Tutsi along with my other family members. It’s so painful to lose your spouse at a young age. It’s something that should never happen to anyone because it’s sanity’s test. We got married in 1983 and as we started to build our life and family, he was killed. Its one thing to lose the love of your life but it’s another issue if your husband dies when you’re both young and had the rest of your lives ahead of you. I was left with no one to help me raise my three daughters and my son because my relatives and my husband’s relatives had all been killed. How I was able to survive with my four children is a miracle. After the Genocide, life was tough because apart struggling to believe that he was no more, I had to take care of the children. My eldest child was nine years old and the youngest was aged two at the time. Life was so hard but what kept me going was my children because I came across other widows whose husbands and children were all killed and they were left with nothing to hold on to. It was a traumatic experience. I struggled with life until I was lucky to get employed. The salary really helped in the day-to-day running of the home. However, the job didn’t only help financially, but it also kept me busy and for a few hours I would forget my sorrow and grief. I was asked by a lot of people why I didn’t remarry since I was still young. Some widows after the Genocide remarried, but I didn’t want to get married again because it would bring conflict amongst my children. I love my children so much that I wouldn’t want to see them go through the adjustment of having a man who is not their father in their life, and then having to deal with the issue of half brothers and sisters, it was a route I was not willing to take. Prayer and group sessions with fellow widows and survivors of the 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi were helpful to me in recovering from grief and depression. Frequent chats with people who share the kind of experience you’re going through actually helps, because you feel like you’re not alone. I made friends along the way and some of them have become family. I’m now 50 years old and I thank God that my children were able to go to school. Recently one graduated from University while two are still at university. Being a widow is a tough experience but being a young widow with children (especially young ones) to take care of singlehandedly is extremely hard and trying. But one thing that keeps you going is the smile of your children that reminds you of their father and seeing them grow up to become responsible people. As told to Doreen Umutesi __________________________________________ How to cope as a young widow LOSING a husband when you have barely celebrated your 5th anniversary in marriage is one of the hardest things any young woman can go through. Imagining a life time without your spouse, bills to pay and children to raise singlehandedly, the anguish is unbearable. Psychologists and counselors say that dealing with this challenge varies from person to person. Françoise Mulekatete, a psychologist/counselor in charge of Mental Health at the Association of Genocide Widows Agahozo (Avega) says that young widows deal with the loss of their husbands differently compared to older women. “Besides having to deal with the grief and depression of losing their husbands and having to raise the children alone, a young widow is likely to face a lot of pressure from society. While she is still grieving and depressed about her loss, there are also men out there who are interested in marrying her which is not the case when it comes to a 50 or 60-year-old woman who lost her husband,” Mulekatete says. AVEGA was created to help reintegrate genocide widows back into Rwandan society following the trauma they faced. The Association helps widows and their dependents with medical services, counseling, education and training, housing and legal services so as to try and deal with the anguish and misery that filled their lives following the Genocide of 1994. Mulekatete notes that a young widow grapples with the emotions involved such as the loss of the husband, responsibilities of taking care of the young children alone, the advances from potential suitors , a sexually active body and society’s pressure on whether she should remarry or not. “It becomes hard for her to deal with all that because she is vulnerable,” Mulekatete explains. She adds that even when young women come to seek professional help when they are grieving, they tend not to freely open up about what they are going through. “I have observed for some time now, young widows who come for counseling think that revealing what they are going through will make them look weak.” She says in such cases they provide them with medication for depression, individual care therapy sessions or group therapy sessions where they put them in groups and share experiences. A publication by Catherine Owen “Being a Young Widow: The Difficulties of Starting Again,” highlights that when one loses one’s spouse young, the children from that union may continually provide difficult reminders of the love one shared with their father. Owen further states that having to celebrate Father’s Day at school or constantly being exposed to happy, healthy couples and their children may increase the agony of the loss. The children will have many questions regarding their father’s death that one will have to cope with. Starting again on the dating scene is also complicated by having had children when one is a young widow. In regards to ‘Being a Young Widow and Social Stigma’, Owen revealed that people are afraid of death and grieving in this society. While, when one is old, one can find many peers who have experienced the loss of a loved one, when one is still young; it seems hard to find people who can relate to the pain. Single individuals are usually looking to have a good time and dating a widow, especially one with children, is often not appealing. Young men might have little capacity to deal with a young woman’s grief, pain, anger, regret and other emotions created by the loss of a spouse. In an article published online by everydaylife.globalpost.com titled “How to Deal with Being a Young Widow,” group support and therapy could be of help to young widows. The publication states that in the year following the death of a spouse, 50 percent of widows suffer from depression, says The Harvard Medical School Health Guide. Group support can be a valuable resource to help you through this difficult time. It offers you a chance to share your thoughts and feelings with people who are going through the same loss. If you’re not comfortable with a group setting, individual therapy may be a good option for you. This setting will give you a chance to talk one-on-one about your loss, the difficulties surrounding it, your emotions or anything that is on your mind. As a way of helping widows in Rwanda deal with depression and get economically empowered to be able to take care of their families, the National Women Council set up projects that facilitate capacity building and economic empowerment. Christine Tuyisenge, the Executive Secretary of the National Women Council says that with projects such as women in entrepreneurship, trainings in business planning, widows are given first priority. “We target the most vulnerable women in different districts in the country to benefit from our various projects and widows are given first priority as well as using the ubudehe categories. We link these women with savings and credit Cc-operative (SACCOs) in order to benefit from the women guarantee fund,” Tuyisenge explains. “It’s through the savings schemes that the widows are able to get funds to help in the day-to-day running of the family and they are also able to get medical insurance cover. We have testimonies of widows that have been able to have successful business thanks to SACCOs,” Tuyisenge says. For Uwimana, and other women like her, their grief might be unimaginable, but the strength they put into building their lives after is beyond admirable. Hard as it may be, they fight to move on as best in life as they can, if not for anything, for their children. _________________________ When is the right time to remarry after losing a spouse? The right time to remarry after losing a spouse depends on, 1, if you have kids it would be good to let them first come to terms with the loss of their parent. 2, it would be good to wait for a time when it’s appropriate to tell them about your need to get a substitute. 3, depends on the personality of the person you intend to marry for example how she/he deals with you or your kids. Mugume Rwaka Bradams ___________ Obviously, never before the dead spouse is laid to rest! Anyway the right time to remarry after losing a spouse would depend on the person’s choices but I think waiting for a year or more would be okay for me. Herbert Chiyambi Chandilanga ______________ The right time to remarry after losing a spouse depends on a lot of factors. I believe one can’t set a time frame for that. Jonathan Kanyike Speke ________________ Well as a Christian, I believe the Holy Spirit will guide the person when the right time comes, because God will bring a companion sooner or later. Jidia Gasana _____________ At times it’s good to remarry sooner when you have just lost a spouse especially if you have been left with children that are very young and need two parents. That way you’re able to deal with the constant questions from the children like “why don’t we have a dad or mum just like other children at school” which is usually depressing for the parent to respond to. If it’s possible, I think one should remarry immediately. Rogger Iga

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The woes of a young widow