A good soldier is that one who is not a doubting Thomas. How can a doubting Thomas be allowed to join any army? What for? No, no, and I repeat, no. Since “doubting Thomas” is obviously an English invention, let’s say that a good soldier is one who is not a doubting Mbonyinshuti. And I deliberately settled on Mbonyinshuti because I thought it’s high time we all knew that whenever and wherever you see Mbonyinshuti, you’ve seen a friend. Long live Mbonyinshuti, the best-sounding of all Kinyarwanda names. In fact, if, (and immediately) I get a son, I will name him Mbonyinshuti, and should there be any resistance from the mum or even distant relatives, I will still go ahead and name him Mbonyinshuti. We were still on the subject of a soldier not having to be a doubting Thomas. In fact, a soldier who yields to the dark and evil and cowardly forces of doubt and indecision should be …no, not shot, because a dead man can’t sufficiently pay for their sins while they lived. Rather, he should be frog-marched and forced to auction off all his property, right down to his clothes that are not for military operations. Even the army camouflage he used in all his cowardly combat situations should be gathered in a heap, doused in petrol or Super Gin - becauseSuper Gin burns just as hot, and set on fire. Nothing from a soldier who spent all of his military career being a doubting Mbonyinshuti should be saved for posterity. A real buffalo soldier never fumbles, never fidgets, and will never ever touch the panic button. It should never occur that a soldier fumbles with or over anything, neither should they mince their words. Real soldiers handle the situation at hand, they don’t fumble. The foot of a soldier must be on the ground at all times. See, when our enemies are advancing with their guns and ammunition, the last thing we want is a paper soldier – a coward. What we want here is the real buffalo soldier. A soldier must be of tight and formidable physical build, and his grip must be as firm as that wall behind you. A soldier’s cheeks in particular and face in general must not be plump like a genetically improved water melon. A soldier’s face must be riddled with bruises and cuts and scars and pot holes from all those insect bites and poisonous thorns and shrubs they have to deal with while in the trenches. Words such as chips, cake, tears, fear, malaria, Mayonnaise, ice cream, biscuits, flower, fever, hunger etc should not be a part of a soldier’s vocabulary. And as for Mayonnaise, it should be left for Miss Rwanda and Miss KIST and Miss ULK and Miss Jojo, not a soldier. Also, phrases like “I will see”, “I’m not very sure”, “I beg your pardon”, “I will try”, and “I hope to do it” are a no-go area for this career choice. Finally, a world-class warrior is one who has the ability to survive on things like sand, thorns, and fragments of volcanic rock in the event of an unexpected food crisis.
