My mom needs help

I am 21 years old at university. I get good grades and have been helping my mom run her business since I was 15. After 20 years of marriage, my parents divorced when I was 9. My dad is a great dad, but he was never a great husband. He never gave my mom much affection. Shortly after the divorce, my dad moved out and my mom brought in a new man. Her whole family despised her for it, and she didn’t speak to her parents for months. Two years later, she left that man (allegedly for me as she didn’t want to raise me with a man that’s not my father). My mom never dated again. As I’ve gotten older, she’s gotten extremely attached to me. I work with her all day, when I come home, she’s in my room watching TV or talking on the phone. She sleeps in my room with me, and when I tell her to go to her room because I need my space, she cries and says that I mistreat her. The worst part is she tells people she HAS to sleep with me because I’m “scared”. It’s extremely embarrassing. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he is everything I want in a man. My mother, however, is ruining our relationship. Whenever we go out, she calls incessantly. If I don’t answer, she will keep calling. If I turn off my phone, she starts calling people. She doesn’t think its right for me to see my boyfriend more than twice a week (and that’s pushing it). When we go out, she throws a tantrum and tells me I will end up like my “non-virgin” cousins. It’s ridiculous. I don’t know how much I can take. Moving out isn’t an option for me as it goes against my family’s values, and I seriously wouldn’t want to cause any more drama. Samantha Your advice (from Facebook & Twitter) The attachment you have with your mother is unique and she feels you are all she has. But her sleeping in your bed is uncalled for and I think you need to make this clear. If she refuses to get out of your bed, tell her that if she doesn’t stop, you will move out. I believe if she really wants you around, she will respect your decision and give you some privacy. About not being happy about your boyfriend, that’s a phase she will pass. Connie ************************************************ Samantha, your mother just has a lot of drama and at some point based on what I have read, she could need psychological help. Her relationship with you is so weird that a resourceful counselor is needed. I don’t understand her reason for sleeping in your bed or her constant calls when you’re out with your boyfriend. I think she ought to style up and give you some space. Fiona ************************************************* I don’t want to sound mean but let’s be realistic; I think your mother just needs a man in her life so if possible hook her up with a man her age. She is probably bored with her life and that is why she is interested in yours. Just get her connected to people her age. If all that fails, I believe she has sisters, try talking to them about your frustrations. Violet The Men respond Start living your life Samantha, for the life of me, I can’t say how much respect I have for you - for being a responsible girl at such a young age and putting up with such a topsy-turvy situation at home. Very few people have managed to live through a divorce without having a messed up life. However, it is sad that your mother thinks that your lives are intertwined and she can’t live without you. So, enough is enough. Talk to your mother about your feelings towards her behaviour. Tell her that you love her but she needs to understand that you are an adult who has a life to start building. Secondly, I have a feeling that she is possessive of you because of what happened to her, but she needs to understand that not all men are like your father. Get her to know your boyfriend for who he is without judging him by the faults of another man. Start making your own decisions even though they make her uncomfortable because I don’t think you want a scenario where you get married and she starts making decisions in your home. Better still, I know this is very difficult but maybe you could talk to her about dating again. Maybe having someone in her life could reduce the stress that she puts you through. Good luck. Dean, 29, is single __________________________________________________________ Quit whining and embrace it Your entire life, you have been around your mother and she seems to have gone beyond being a mother, she has been a friend. Her reason for being all over you is because she is trying to be protective and ensure that you do not take the wrong turn. You say that you feel like you are grown enough to take care of yourself and do not need any babysitting, but the thing is, mothers do not see it that way, no matter how grown up you feel, you will always be her little girl. Her little girl who is still afraid of the dark. Considering that you have spent the largest part of your life with your mother, she not only sees you as her daughter, but as her best friend, that makes it even harder for you to detach yourself from her. But no matter how hard you want to push her away, she is still family, she is not a friend you can drop any time. Rather than fight the attention it would be best if you embraced it, do not think of yourself, remember that she needs you too. She will be lonely when you push her away. Collins, 27, is married ___________________________________________________________ She’s your mom, hang in there It’s not yet time to move out, you need to stay around a little longer. Maybe after two years you can move out but as for now, you have to dance to the tune that your mother plays. She provides for you and works with you just for your wellbeing. It would be very selfish for you to want to move out for a man. Who knows, maybe you two may not even last a month yet there is one thing you can be sure about - your mother’s love. It lasts forever. Should your boyfriend propose to you then perhaps she will let go. She is just trying to be a best friend to you and you should embrace that, not everyone has such a special bond with their parents. You might miss it when it’s gone. She needs you right now, so be there for her. One day she will smile when you are happy with someone because it will be the right time, with the right person and for the right reason. Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship.