I am at loggerheads with my daughter

My husband died early this year and I was deeply saddened. Two months later, a male colleague dropped by to check on me and we had some wine. By 9:00pm I was singing an unfamiliar tune. He kissed me and for some reason, I didn’t stop him. Then I heard someone else in the room, my 16-year-old daughter had walked in! I was embarrassed and sent my colleague on his way very fast. However, my daughter has never recovered and has now turned into a full blown rebel. She says I cheated on her father yet to be honest, not one day during my marriage did I cheat. I know two months is too soon and I blame myself for not being wiser and more considerate, but it happened quite fast. Now my daughter dresses like a $2 hooker, uses language I didn’t even know she knew and doesn’t listen to a word I say. I have tried to talk to her but she says she won’t take advice from a woman who did not respect her father. I was so angry, I slapped her. She left and hasn’t been home in a week. She is now with her brother who has tried to talk to her but she doesn’t listen to him either. I’m really losing my patience with her. Majorie Your advice (from Facebook & Twitter) Your 16-year-old daughter needs help; perhaps you should go with her to a counsellor. She is still grieving the loss of her father and seeing you with another man tells her that her father is being replaced. With these counselling sessions, both of you can open up about the kissing incident and stop fighting about it. Trudy ****************************************** Majorie, don’t beat yourself up over your daughter’s rebellion because at 16, some teenagers become insubordinate. Slapping her or beating her up worsens the situation. Get someone she is free with to talk to her. This same person should be the one to tell her that the kiss with your colleague was innocent. It’s just a phase and she will outgrow it. Jackie ************************************************* It was a wrong move entertaining a man in your home when you have a 16-year-old around. But let me not waste time complaining about something that already happened. My advice to you is to approach this situation with a clear mind. Plan for an outing with your daughter, like a weekend out of town, call it mother-to-daughter bonding time. While there, don’t fight but talk about life in general. Also, apologise about the kiss and let her know that no one is taking her daddy’s place. I think she will trust you again. Claudine ************************************************* Which child in Africa runs away when punished? I guess things have changed but that’s no way for a child to behave. Get her back and put her in her place. Besides, you need some love even though it is a bit too soon after your husband’s death; but who said love has a time-limit? Alfred ************************************************** As a parent, you are very unserious. You shouldn’t be blaming your daughter or running out of patience as you say. Did you think slapping her would do any good? Those things no longer work in this age and era. Apologise to her before you become the “parent-from-hell”. Ruth *********************************************** I agree with Ruth. As a parent you should know that teenage years are dangerous and your actions are not doing your daughter’s adolescence any good. Don’t try to explain anything because no answer will make you look good. Just apologise and try to make it up to her. Isaiah ************************************************* You got angry, you did something that you didn’t intend to do and she should understand that. She is grown enough to know that sometimes we make mistakes. Make her realise that it was a mistake and you haven’t continued to meet this man, neither did you cheat on her dad. Talking to her in a calm way could help the situation. Gloria The Men Respond She is only a teenager Teenage rebellion, especially girls against their mothers, should not be surprising. The circumstances that led to your daughter’s rebellion are probably what have alarmed you. It is okay for a 16-year-old girl to feel that her dad was betrayed if she walks in on her mother kissing some guy. Even two years would make her feel that it is still not time to move on. Her ability to accept you moving on depends on your relationship with her; she probably feels that when you move on you will give her less attention. She is probably afraid that the new guy will not treat her as well as her father used to. You should not only be patient with her as a teenager but as a girl - who lost her father - empathize and talk her into seeing things from your perspective. The truth is that you are only replacing a husband, a man who you would probably have divorced, but for her, it will be like replacing her father, probably the pillar of her life. Slapping her won’t save the situation, in fact, it will only drive her further away. It’s tough, but you have got to look for every ounce of energy you have left. She is your daughter and loves you. If you make her understand that even adults make mistakes too, her attitude might drop a notch. Collins, 26, is married ************************************************** Put your foot down Your daughter didn’t start doing all this just because you did something wrong. She has always wanted to do what she is doing but only this time, she has an excuse to do it in your face. Just because you made a mistake and kissed a man two months after your husband died doesn’t mean she should also make 100 more and get away with them. She is your daughter and you have to discipline her. It’s hard enough that she will grow up without a dad, so you have to double the effort. You have to get her to respect and obey you but how will that happen if she doesn’t even listen to you? You are a parent and you need to show her love – but you can love with discipline too; show her who the head of the house is and let her know that you will not tolerate her behaviour. She can’t stay with her brother forever. Also, her brother should not encourage her behaviour by letting her stay with him. It would be wise to have this conversation with both of them present. I can’t promise that it’s going to be easy but if it means seeking the help of a counselor and apologising 100 times, then so be it. Get her back before she gets wasted beyond control. Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship. ************************************************** Both of you need help There’s more to this issue than meets the eye. First of all you made a terrible mistake making out with a colleague in your home knowing you have a teenage daughter who has not moved on from her father’s death. Secondly, your mannerisms also come into the picture. However much you swear on your life that you never cheated on your husband it is hard for your teenage daughter to believe you and who can blame her? Lastly, that your daughter said words that you thought she did not know say a lot about your relationship with your daughter. On the part of your daughter, it seems she actually knows more things than you probably knew when you were her age. The transition in her behaviour leaves one wondering if she is a spoiled child. You both need to seek help as soon as possible. Her behaviour at such a young phase in life will only lead to disaster. Apologise to your daughter, talk to her about what happened that night and how you are trying to be a better parent. I know that your sorrow and grief might drive you into the arms of another man who might be there to comfort you but that shouldn’t be at the expense of your daughter’s happiness. Save your relationship with her before it’s too late. Dean, 28, is single Editors note: If you have a question to ask the guys, contact womentoday@newtimes.co.rw