How far can you go for love?

You definitely have heard of crazy tales about what people can do for love. If you have ever fallen hard for a special someone, you know that love can be as dangerous as taking an over dose of heroine. One minute you are sane, the next you are doing crazy stuff like the Russian man who staged his death for a marriage proposal. Then there was a couple that got surgery just to look alike. The best things in life like they say are free. So is love. But if you choose to make getting or giving love as expensive as a finding diamond, then be prepared to accept and count the losses when one day that person you loved so much decides to walk away. A way to a woman’s heart isn’t about breaking the bank to buy her the most expensive car or house in Kigali. It isn’t about paying her tuition at university or college. Derrick a good friend of mine learnt the hard way when he put money and material gifts at the centre of winning the heart of a girl four years ago. Against advice from friends Derrick (not real name) decided that he was going to pay tuition for his girlfriend Quinta (not real name). Quinta had just completed her secondary education but was unfortunate not to get a government bursary. Derrick juggled two jobs, spent sleepless nights and worked harder than I had ever seen anyone do. Quinta was happy; over the moon in love with her boyfriend. Derrick couldn’t wait for Quinta to complete university and the day she graduated was his happiest day, or so he says. However, Quinta’s graduation 10 months ago was also the beginning of their unending quarrels, infidelity and lies. Not that Derrick was in any way not appealing enough; he had a nice job, was educated and self-supporting: simply put, the ideal guy. Quinta got a job, tasted the good life she could offer herself now and she decided to repay Derrick’s generosity with infidelity. She started cheating on him, running around all bars in Kigali and before long Derrick was dumped by his dream heartthrob. “It is over” these are the words that paid back the endless expensive gifts and lots of money spent on educating Quinta. As I write this, Derrick is almost going bonkers. He is still nursing his shattered heart. My friends and I talked about his situation and before long it turned out to be a debate about how far a person should go to support a lover, fiancée or even spouse. Eliab Kamugisha who is in a relationship says he cannot spend on educating the girl friend. “Let us be realistic, right? Even if I loved my girlfriend to death and thought we would be together forever, paying for her education is not my responsibility. I am not her father? Being able to say you’re going to school because you have some boy friend paying for it all on your behalf makes a girl look like a huge user, and the guy an even bigger idiot,” Kamugisha says Kamugisha argues that the essence of love can be redefined based on experience and familiarity. What do you expect if your current girlfriend’s previous guys spoiled her with material things? Chances are, she’ll begin to identify materialism and gifts as love, which is why she may expect the same from you if you love her. Nicole Kyomugasho puts the blame on men. She says in many cases men are ones that willingly dangle these offers to win over the girls. She advises men to desist from the habit of blaming women and start blaming themselves for starting and fostering a culture of ‘something for something.’ “It does not have to be tuition; it can be a house, a car, and a business, whatever. When a man shows off his wealth to attract a woman and later calls her a ‘gold digger’, it shows his stupidity, if he is spending he should spend well within his means and knowing that the relationship can end into marriage or can break off,” Kyomugasho adds. For Eric Mbonye, men have no business financially supporting a girlfriend/fiancée. Not even with the promise of marriage. “Unless we have tied the knot and I know I’m doing it for my family, but that is also not definite. When you are good to a girl, she decides that you are a money minting machine and starts to exploit your kindness. That fear alone can’t let me support her in anyway. The best I can do is buying her dinner or a simple gift but not something like start her a business or pay tuition,” Mbonye says. Would you financially support your lover? I think that life sometimes chooses different times and ways for helping us decide when we are committed to others. I would go for it, if I really care about him. I’m not sure how you could justify not helping. If not, I would call it an open-ended loan, because it’s not like we are married or anything. Another thing, if I decided to help, then the money better have an importance attached to it. It is important to remember the rule of thumb: When in doubt take the high road and be generous - and I have no problem with being generous. Mildred Uwanziga **************************************************** Well, it depends if he asks for the money directly or indirectly. If he is not resistant to the idea of giving him money, I would not give him the money because that suggests entitlement and dependency issues. Besides if I don’t see myself with him in the future, I can’t even begin thinking about it unless I want to be a ‘charity’ organisation. The right partner doesn’t want to be bailed out or make outrageous demands that would strain the partner’s finances. Phiona Umuliza *************************************************** If we have been together for a long time and I have the impression that she is going to be my wife and she has the feeling that I’m going to be her husband, I might consider fully supporting her because then I know for sure that my money is well spent and the better job that comes with the education will be used to improve both our lives. Gary Othieno What the experts say; Pastor Maurice Rukimbira; Counselor, St. Etienne Cathedral It’s a tricky situation because people come from different backgrounds; people have different characters and problems. So, it would all depend on how and when they approach a counselor for counseling. However, it is a bad habit because in the end people can’t stay together just because one person helped support them financially. It is despicable. People should stay together because they love each other and not because one is indebted to the other. As for the arrangement, I can’t generalise it because some people easily get money and don’t mind spending whereas others sweat for it. The issue would be relative depending on the situation but getting married because you owe someone something is downright wrong. On seeking redress when they break-up... Dan Gasatura, Lawyer, Trust Law Chambers If you support your girlfriend’s education with promises of getting married to you later but then things don’t go according to plan, there are no legal processes to seek redress. First of all, there is no binding contract between the two parties and even if it was, there’s something called “consideration”. Consideration can be applied in a case of an employer and employee. The employer will consider the employee’s work to pay him and the employee will consider the employer’s remuneration. In the case of relationships, there’s no consideration on the part of the person supporting because there can’t be a price tied on someone’s love or life.