Short Story: Emotional abuse; the art of hurting women

As told to Dean Karemera.... The most difficult type of violence is emotionally related. I struggled with low self-esteem and when I dated a guy who made me feel worse about myself, I blamed myself. I thought it was my fault all over again. I gradually withdrew from my friends; I was sad and smoked cigarettes for the entire time we were together when he’d make me cry. Strangely, we were not married, had no children and the option of leaving was on the table but for some reason I never left this guy. Maybe occasionally telling me that he loves me was the reason I never left. Although he claimed to love me he would cheat, dated several women and I caught him red-handed one time. He promised that he was going to change but it went on for three years until recently when I decided to leave him. He never wanted to go out with me insisting that it was better for me to go alone. When I would suggest dinner together, he would tell me to go and make new friends. One time, I suggested a vacation together but he refused. He told me that I would be fine and there would be other people vacationing alone like me, so I wouldn’t be bored. I wondered what was wrong with me. One day he told me that I was a dark cloud, and then claimed to love me the next. He usually blamed his attitude on his ex who hurt him so bad. He’d promise me trips, dates –even a baby - and each time I thought it would be in the near future. I always had that positive energy in me thinking things would work out but it was not so. Last year I promised myself that I was going to focus on myself. I started working out, made new friends and started going out with them and entertained them at home over the weekend. I started to challenge him and his actions. After he realised that I was no longer the same person, he started victimising himself until I got to the point that even with a clear mind, better self image- there was no changing this guy. Late last year, I told him I had had enough. It was hard but I walked away. Growing up, I watched my mom go through physical abuse and I wasn’t able to go through another experience like that. However, it’s very hard to know that you are going through emotional abuse while trying to figure out what you deserve. We complicate the whole situation when we think “we” are the problem. If a man makes you cry, disrespects you, is ashamed to walk with you, and the only time he is kind to you is when he wants sex, you might be going through emotional abuse too.