Several years ago, Aggrey and I came across a cool engineer called Cafu. He encouraged us to always drink on a full stomach. Aggrey and I always had believed that we had to drink on an empty stomach so as to fully enjoy those frothy liquids! So, Cafu’s moto was that man should not live on booze alone but also on food. “Guys, you are going to die soon if you don’t eat!” The engineer advised us to employ our tactics and fluke eating places. By the way, in case you are imagining that this guy was a degree holder in engineering, then you are certainly offside. This is a guy who had dropped out of school but baptised himself “engineer” due to his prowess in the art of conning. He was good at conning ladies and in the process fleeced them. Apparently, his specialty was at fluking parties in search of free booze but most importantly, free food. He would boast to us as follows; “I am the one and only Eng Cafu south of the Sahara.” He preferred to be called Eng. Cafu because of his admiration of the Brazilian right winger called Cafu. This guy believed that his pace at conning for booze and nosh rivaled that one of Cafu as he charged down the right flanks during his days at AC Milan. Anyway, Aggrey and I realised that Eng Cafu would become the appropriate partner in our missions. We decided to invite him to our modest home at the Kiyovu, of the poor. We sat with him and agreed to loan him an expensive Tuxedo. We were now the three musketeers of Kigali. Ours was a mission for food! With this new uniform, Eng Cafu took oath: “I swear that I will be faithful to our new partnership. I also pledge to you that I will never again fluke for food at the Nyabugogo and Kabeza restaurants. Instead, we shall be visiting top class places in Kigali so as to crush real food!” Apparently, Eng Cafu had all along specialised in visiting the lousy restaurants in and around Nyabugogo and Kabeza areas. He used to enter these restaurants and order for a huge plate of nosh. After eating, he would vanish without paying for. Aggrey and I detested that approach and that is why we loaned him a nice Tuxedo suit so that he could escort us to posh places. Our easiest target was at international conferences held in town. These usually took place at the former Meridian and Mille Collines hotels. So, Aggrey, Eng Cafu and I hit the streets of Kigali in search of free food. We managed to train Eng Cafu how to walk with the left shoulder hoisted high! We assured him that he could fool any bouncer in the world, only if he could walk in a manner to suggest that he was dancing to the tunes of Ragga Dee. However, we still had a major challenge at our hands; we could not successfully train Eng Cafu on how to speak in a foreign accent. We spent endless hours teaching him how to curl his tongue so as to produce an American accent but unfortunately, he kept biting his tongue until it pained so much as if he had swallowed red pepper. It was clear that we were heading nowhere! That is why we opted to pay a visit to the nearest Pharmacy in town. We entered the Pharmacy and ordered for a carton of cotton wool. With this carton of cotton wool, we convinced ourselves that we had finally found a lasting solution to Eng Cafu’s accent and pronunciation problems. Yes! All we had to do was to stick some wet roll of cotton wool into Cafu’s nostrils. This was of so much help because when Eng Cafu spoke, it was as if his nose was blocked by a heavy bout of flu! This meant that when he spoke, the language came out in a gibberish fashion. With this solution, the three musketeers were ready to attack.
