Mainstory: It’s a family affair: My sister stole my man

What would you do if you discovered your little sister had been secretly going out with your husband? TIMOTHY KISAMBIRA talked to women stabbed in the back by their younger siblings. No single girl grows up wishing to share her husband with another. Living with another woman under the same roof is unimaginable but to share your husband with your sister is an abomination to say the least. But like chronic diseases, this is a common occurrence. Many young sisters are doing it without any tinge of shame or apology. How would a woman react if she discovered that sister who shared her home had been dating her husband for years right under her roof? Anita Businge, 37 is a nurse and a mother of three. Ten years back, she walked down the aisle with James Gatera in what the couple’s friends described as the wedding of the year. Anita’s husband, in his fifties, was by rural standards a successful businessman. Anita came from a polygamous family and her father had had difficult time sending all the children to school. There was a tinge of jealousy from other girls when Anita got married to Gatera. Four years later, the couple were living in bliss with their two children when Anita asked her youngest sister Jane, 9, to join them. The older sister was even paying her school fees. Little did she know that Jane would turn her sister’s marriage upside down later. As time went by Jane developed into a beautiful girl and Anita noticed that Gatera was becoming very close to her. My husband and sister had become inseparable. “I started resenting her,” Anita says, adding Jane had joined the family as an innocent girl. Later discovered that her husband and her sister were having an affair. “My sister and husband were having relationship behind my back. It was a betrayal,” Anita says with a tinge of bitterness in her eye. When Anita confronted her sister, Jane didn’t deny the affair. She said it was her right to love whoever she wanted. “When I asked Jane to leave the family, she only became bitter and vengeful and now chaos in the entire family has set in,” Anita explains. Anita’s friends castigated Jane because she had decided to go out with a man much older than her. But Jane was very determined to have the sister’s husband. She said what was good for her sister was also good for her. “It will hurt me the rest of my life,” Anita reveals. She says months later, Jane disappeared after learning her older sister was planning something sinister. But the man trailed Jane. Recently, Gatera married the sister and they now have a child. The man bought her a house and they live happily together. Not only did Jane take her sister’s man away, she left her sister’s house penniless. According to Anita, her once loved man spends months without coming back home. “The home is like hell now,” she says in a low tone. ‘Ultimate betrayal’ Anita’s experience is not unique. Rose Umurerwa, 40, says a sister that goes out with one’s man deserves death. “I was helping my young sister with school fees but she was now spending much time with him and making unnecessary jokes,” Rose says. “I started looking at my young sister as an interloper and rival. Later, I started even brutalising her and forcing her to work as a hired hand as a way of getting rid of her but in vain.” “I thought she would get tired and leave my house but the more I tortured her the more she got solace from my husband,” Rose explains. One day, she discovered a love message she had sent to her man and Rose become furious. “This was an ultimate betrayal,” she says. Rose managed to send a way her sister before the relationship with her man went far. Agnes Kanamugire, a 29-year-old businesswoman, said that she immediately dumped her man when she learnt that she was dating her young sister. “I hated my sister and it was a bitter revenge and nobody would stop me to carry it out. The family members also opposed me,” she says. Miriam Kuteesa, a mother of four is a flower seller in Kigali. She says she has nothing but contempt for girls who steal their sisters’ men. “It is a betrayal. If it is somebody else, I would try to put it out of my mind but not my sister,” she says. “I have never experienced it but I would ask all people to treat such girls with the highest contempt they deserve,” Mariam said. She says she would fight her sister if discovered that she had plans of stealing her husband. “I was also living with my sister and I learnt later that she was getting close to my husband. I had done everything for my sister,” says Tina. “She was a secondary school student and my husband used to take her out each time I was away.” Unforgiveable Tina says it is a tricky situation and many women would rather let things pass not wanting to their dirty linen in public. “It hurts deeply and I cannot forgive such a sister,” Tina says. “I wish it was somebody else. Perhaps another woman I don’t know,” says 29-year-ol teacher Diana. “To be honest, I would not tolerant my sister sharing my man. I detest it completely,” Diana adds. For Juliet, a 38-year-old house wife, said she accepted to live with her young sister under the same house wholeheartedly. “It is the same blood and maybe it is better to live with one of your own other than a stranger,” she said. She says better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know. But Faith Mulungi says she would worry as long as it was her sister. She says she would naturally feel hurt. The deepest disappointment perhaps in life. “If it’s not my sister, it would heal and life goes on,” she reveals. It would not erase from my mind, adds Faith, saying that when a sister dates your husband, even if you don’t openly complain, the knowledge that she is sharing your man will always linger at the back of your mind for the rest of your life. “I would wish not to happen to any woman in this world,” she concludes. 28-year-old Dorothy Buteera says a sister who would go out with man can be cursed for the rest of her life. “There are other men. No woman can tolerant it,” says Dorothy. She says this could fuel hatred in the family and saw seeds of discontent among relatives. Patience, a 28-year-old journalist, concurs that it is very bad for a sister to run after your husband. “My man was chasing after my sister but she completely turned him down and the man finally given up the chase.” “I think it goes back to us women. We have to show a strong character and report men to their wives. This ordinarily reduces the tension which is likely to befall the entire family.” Barbra, 19, says she cannot risk going out with her sister’s husband no matter how charming the guy is. “It is bad and you will never settle in life because the family curses keep haunting you.” She says women who go around stealing other people’s men deserved to be regarded as outcasts. Winnie Kabeja took many years to realise her twin sister, Beatrice, was meeting her husband. The husband was a driver and used to tell her many things about the long journeys he would make over the weekend upcountry. Since he was the only breadwinner in the family, Winnie, tried to play it cool though she had smelt a rat somehow. “When I learnt it was my sister Beatrice my husband was spending all the time with, I was so worked up.” “I used to call her regularly and bail her out financially but that ended.” It seems relationships are hard to mend when they suffer such betrayal. Contact: timothychester949@gmail.com