I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and I love him to bits. He is funny and supportive. However, we fight about his past relationship. I cannot get over the fact that he got married at 24 and cheated on his wife the whole time (about a year).

He tells me that he was young and stupid and it will never happen again. He was never actually caught and they divorced because she cheated on him too. He blames himself for paying too much attention to his affair. He has a daughter with her whom he loves very much.  

My problem is that I can’t get over what he did. I truly believe that he loves me and would do anything for me but is acting? Maybe I’m being too hard on him.   Please tell me what to do.

Precious, 28

We all have a past

I’m wondering if you’re fighting with this guy in a vain attempt to push him away or just to satisfy your emotions of making him feel like he is a really bad person. In other words, do you know, deep down, that you can’t trust this man? And are you fighting to get him to push you away, since you don’t have the courage to do so.

Everyone has a past, but how do you expect to open a new chapter of your life with him yet you keep re-reading the old one? You’re going to need to really examine your heart and this man and evaluate whether he is someone that you are ready to be with for the rest of your life. To be honest with you, men who haven’t cheated on their wives/girlfriends are hard to come by these days. I know he says that he was young when he cheated on his first partner and fathered a baby girl. But people do change for the better. So it’s better you either stay with him and don’t let the past get between you or just break-up with him and move on.

Collins, 26, is married

***

Fighting is not the solution

Fighting with him over his past is like repeatedly beating a dog for tearing up a cushion. The damage is done. 

You say you keep fighting with him over what he did. And even after fighting and making up, you still fight about it another day so clearly fighting isn’t the solution. 

Repetition occurs for two reasons. One could be that his past traumatises you and you feel like you need to keep talking about the situation just to calm your fears. And the second could be that you haven’t heard from him what you want to hear just to be at peace.  

Obviously this fighting isn’t bringing you the resolution that you want and need. This is because you aren’t addressing the real issue. Try to figure this out calmly and make the best of it because I don’t think he wants to be in a relationship where he will be grilled over his past forever either.

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship 

***

If you want his future, forget his past

We all make mistakes or have made mistakes in the past. But the worst mistake is to get stuck in the past whether it is good or bad. The present is what you need to concentrate on, so if you want this man’s future, drop his past. Too many people waste a lot of time worrying about yesterday or tomorrow. Don’t let his past ruin both your present and the future. 

It’s totally foolish to try to go back and repair the past or even tackle it. Instead, construct the future, work to fulfilling goals and dreams.  Your concerns are valid but what you need to do is sort out your issues by talking to him. Open the lines of communication and talk to him about how you feel. Then after he is done explaining himself, accept that he made a mistake, forgive him and let it go.

Martin, 29, is single