On Assumption Day, I decided to visit the nearest church to meditate on how the mother of our saviour was lifted up to the heavens. My Assumption Day visit to church brought back old memories. It had been quite a long time since I stepped in a church building. In fact, the last time I visited a church building was almost a decade ago when my search for a bride took me to a make shift tent where born again Christians convened for fellowship.

I had decided to switch from the pubs to born again tents because I was convinced that I would find myself a suitable, law abiding, husband respecting and God-fearing spouse! I had got enough from the dishonest ladies who I used to meet in the pubs. All they needed from me was my weeping wallet.

It was drained to the last drop as the predators swallowed all tribes of booze. When the wallet was finally as dry as the Sahara desert, these ladies would simply vanish. So, I had made up my mind to cross over to the religious sphere!

So, when I visited the makeshift tent a decade ago, I requested my eyes to carry out one duty. That duty was not to close my eyes and raise my hands to worship the Lord.

No way! Instead, I asked my eyes to open up as wide as possible with a bid to identify a suitable bride. It did not take me so long to find the lady. She was seated all by herself.

So, I also asked my legs to gallop quickly and join her at the creaky bench. The congregation was already in high spirits as they sang and rejoiced for the lord. Apparently, my face was very new among the people and the pastor. That is why the man of God roared out a victorious Alleluia as he introduced me to the crowd. He then asked the congregation to pray for me, a new soul, so that all demons and curses are driven out from me, once and for all. They prayed so hard that the roof almost flew off the building. Then it was that time again for praising.

But when the praising resumed, I suddenly realised that I had made a huge mistake by sitting next to this nice-looking lady. Although she was strikingly beautiful, there was a negative aspect about her that almost knocked me down. You see, when praising and worshiping is in progress, the faithful are obliged to wave their hands high in the sky as they sing praises to Jesus. It was at this point that a strong unpleasant perfume escaped from the Kyana’s armpit, as she waved and thanked the lord for this new day.

I decided that this new day would be her minus me. That is why I was seen doing a Usain Bolt sprint away from the makeshift church like a mad man. Phew!