Over the weekend, I watched a few episodes of one of my favourite television shows, Desperate Housewives. One devious character, Edie Britt (played by Nicolette Sheridan), went to great lengths to keep the guy she was dating, even though he was clearly still in love with his ex-wife.

She went from desperate to downright ludicrous. After realising that he was more interested in playing step-father to her son than spending time with her, she told her ex-husband that the original deal to let the boy stay with his dad was cancelled and that she wanted joint custody. 

Dude figured it out and assured her he would stay with her and that joint custody would only sabotage the boy’s stability. Enter scheme two - have a baby! She fed the child-obsessed man with the bliss of having their own baby, but then secretly took birth control pills before their ‘sessions’, till all hell broke loose when he found out. Figuring she didn’t stand a chance with him after her brutal deception, she decided to ‘try to commit suicide’. 

She planned to put a rope around her neck then let go when he walked in to pick his things – naturally saving her before anything serious happened. Things almost took an ugly turn for her but it worked out in the end and the guy felt obliged to stay with her because he was afraid she would try it again. 

My point? I’ve met a couple of Edie Britt’s myself. As a matter of fact, ‘meeting’ doesn’t quite cut it; I’ve literally sat down and listened to their desperate attempts to stay glued to men who share no mutual interest whatsoever. 

It is a universal fact of life that every human being wants to be loved. This blissful accomplishment would surely make the heavens part. But this ‘parting of the heavens’ comes easy for some while others, like Edie, it’s a total disaster to say the least. You may even know some of these fortunate souls and wonder what level of witchcraft they are on. 

Once, a friend of mine declared men a bunch of lousy scoundrels after she flushed buckets of alcohol down her throat. She viciously yelled about being tired of dating and putting herself out there only to fall flat on her face. It seemed that her expedition into the dating world always turned out one of two ways – she was either brutally dumped with no reasonable explanation or she simply failed to capture the eye of the object of her affection.

The night she declared war on men and displayed her art in verbal abuse, I was secretly talking to a former colleague I thought would like her. When she threatened to make minced meat out of the next guy who made a fool of her the guy excused himself and after hours of absence, it was safe to say that he wasn’t ready to deal with a psycho! 

When men smell desperation, it’s like that gag at the back of your throat when some moron forgets their manners and let’s out air so lethal, it could take down the planet! They run! And not to you – as far away from you as they can! I know desperate times call for desperate measures, but I’ll be damned if I let a man smell even the slightest trace of desperation on me. Over to you…