Guys, 

I met this nice guy but later learned he is married. Before I could leave him, he told me he wants a child because his wife has failed to conceive. Now, he is asking me to bear a child for him. 

I really love him but I don’t feel like having a child for another woman’s man, making me the second woman. What should I do? Should I accept his proposal?

Clarisse, Kabeza

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If I were you, I would ask myself a series of questions: How does the man know that I will be able to conceive? How long have they stayed together before losing hope of having kids? What attempts has he made to resolve the problem? Why can’t he first divorce her and then marry me legally? But most importantly, how do I know that he’s telling the truth?

For what I know, there are things that a self-respectable man must remain tight-lipped about. There are just some things that should remain shrouded between two partners.

Again, accepting to bear a child for him means that he’s after an extra-marital affair because he’s still legally married to her. In other words, you’re one step closer to becoming his concubine. Please don’t be naive.

There’s also one dark side of him that you must fear - what he’s doing to his wife can also happen to you. My advice is that it’s not a good idea to go on with a man who trades his home’s private matters for the sake of attracting another woman.  If he really wants to be with you, there should have been a mutual dialog between them so that the wife knows that he wants to quit her.

You need tangible proof of everything mentioned before you think about becoming his wife.

Eric, 32, a married father of one

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There is a saying that goes, ‘Don’t let your feelings over power your intelligence’. Yes you love him but have you thought about the long term impact of your actions? This guy is married and most probably, all he ever wanted from you was a child. Now what happens to you after he gets what he wants? 

You can still fall in love with a nice guy who will respect you. Put yourself in his wife’s shoes and imagine it was you who was barren. Would you want your husband sleeping around with another girl because he wants a kid? 

I suggest you stay away and let those feelings go. Get married to another guy and avoid being linked to such people.

Patrick, 21, is in a long term relationship

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There are so many red flags in this letter that I’m left scratching my head in bewilderment. First of all, why in the hell are you still with him after finding out that he’s married? That’s absolutely crazy! I’m not judging you harshly because I understand that love makes us do things that we would never think we would. 

However, there is no way the whole ‘dating a married man will end well’. Trust me. He isn’t exactly the best pick of the bunch if he thinks it's okay to cheat on his wife. The mere fact that he’s doing that tells you what kind of morals he has.

To make matters worse, he’s asking you to bear his child. I mean, what kind of man is he? How selfish is he? I am perplexed. I think that you need to step back and re-evaluate things. You deserve better than this and I can only hope that you see that.  

Lincoln, 32, lives with his girlfriend

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