And He went to the Mountain and prayed. He used eight sayings to put forth the messages in His sermons. These messages were the beatitudes. Each saying begins with the Latin word, ‘beatus’ (blessed). Today, at the risk of being used in hell as fire for burning sinners, I shall be blasphemous by emphasising on the Beatitudes. But mine is of Love.1. Blessed are the poor in beauty, for behind them is a battalion of lovers. The hottest chicks on this Mother Earth are also often the loneliest. They spend the cold nights cuddling teddy bears or cushions. When they get someone to date, the man will spend all his time reliving Elechi Amadi’s saying, that the man who plants his maize by the roadside and the one who marries a beautiful woman have the same problem. A man who dates a chick as hot as [put a name of your choice here, after all, beauty lies in the eyes of the beer-holder] will never be at ease. He will even distrust his own shadows. He will think Rita’s brother wants to commit incest with her. That level of insecurity boils down to deadly jealousy. The result is the man is wont to abandoned the ship for fear for sinking. Similarly, a host of men fear to approach beautiful women. They tell themselves, "she must be having a loaded man who drives a Mercedes, what will my Legsus or Footsbishi do?” In the end, the cute things are the loneliest. Treasure your looks.2. Blessed are they who nag, for they shall be comforted. Nagging is the most annoying thing to every man. When women start on with it, a man feels like disappearing from the face of the earth. But a true lover should not be swayed by a nagging moment. First, it’s a mood thing, it comes and goes. Many a woman will not remember the things she said or did during her mood swings. Many, too, will not remember how their partner handled the moment. But a special deed lives a lasting impression. At such moments, device ways of appealing to her tender nerves.3. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. There was no way I could edit that one, so I left it as Jesus Christ said it. A woman who is rude has no place in the home of the in-laws, and therefore, if it came down to any favours, she would always be the one crying that her hubby’s relatives hate her. Change your mindset and attitude. Be humble before your in-laws and the fruits will be so vast you might become a property mogul. 4. Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness and love, for they shall be satisfied. I have seen a couple of guys who give up on ever finding their missing ribs. They resort to sleeping with anything that comes their way. They lose the purpose of life. A woman will end up hitting 36 with neither a committed lover nor a child. In the twilight of their womb, they just pick on anyone to sow into them. They then raise the child singly. That’s a loser’s mentality. Never give up. Be inventive. Find more ways to hook up.5. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Forgive and forgive until you die forgiving. For every mercy you show, there is a debt. For every alms you extend to the wretched, there is a debt. The ingratitude may not repay their debts, but nature, surely, will.6. Blessed are the virgins, for they shall see the world. Well, I don’t actually mean a virgin per se. A virgin can be anyone who is pure at heart. This means you must embody all the other virtues—love, humility, honesty, trust, etc. If you can do this, the world will be at your feet. Everyone likes purity, including King Mswati III, whose reputation for marrying a virgin every birthday is legendary.7. Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is a family adored. Don’t fear to fall in love with a poor lad or a man the society looks at as a reject. They will laugh at mock you for marrying a poor guy, a disabled, but in the end, they will come to terms with things and silently envy you.

The true Beatitudes are in Matthew 5:3-10. Go and read. I am off to pay penitence.