When I left the Diaspora four years ago, I left behind some good friends who are still very much in touch with me. They have also become some source of assistance to me whenever my throat itches with real thirst.

They recall quite well how I used to love hanging out with them at the Pub until the wee hours of the morning. So whenever I send them an SMS claiming to be very thirsty, they respond by sending me some few dollars via western union.

This kind of donation is able to push me on for a few weeks. Especially when Aggrey is in the buying mood, I end up squeezing drinks out of him as I stash my small dollars in my jacket. Of course, Aggrey does not know that I get some donations via Western Union.

Otherwise, he would probably apply sanctions on my throat. Recently, I was so broke that I decided to call one of my Diaspomates abroad. He told me that he would give some cash to a nice looking lady who happened to be returning to Rwanda.

I was thrilled! This would be double happiness especially now that I was going to receive some cash and have an opportunity to meet the lady herself. Who knows, probably she could be a candidate for marriage?

So I waited for her to contact me when she arrived. After one week, I received her call. Wow! Her accent was a mixture of American, Caribbean and British.

When she realized that I was struggling to follow her conversation, she immediately switched to the French language.

She spoke better French than Thierry Henry himself. This made matters worse until she forgave me and started to chat in Kinyarwanda.

Wow! The voice was so appealing. She told me that she had my cash and that we needed to meet. Since I was going to be a rich fellow, I felt confident to ask her out for dinner.

Besides, she had my cash and I would use it to pay for the bills. I then requested her to be my companion at Panorama View, Nyamirambo. She then responded thus; Nyamijos??? You must be crazy men. Let us instead go to Big club?

I swear I had never heard about a place called Big club. So I pretended to know where Big club was. So, please pick me at 7pm.

Okay, at 7pm, I rushed to KBC to select the best looking taxi. I tipped the driver so that he acts like my personal driver. I was planning to tell Miss Diaspo chick that I hated driving myself and therefore that is why I choose to use a driver.

At 7.15pm, I was at her home in Kimihurura. She walked out of the gate elegantly and sat next to me. I barked orders to the driver. Go to Big club! Unfortunately, I had forgotten to brief the driver about Big Club. Apparently, he did not have a clue where Big club was. Neither did I!

In his daft manner, the taxi driver made an assumption and drove straight to a place called Gatenga. Somewhere behind the Gatenga slums is a place where all walks of the wretched earth go for their booze. So, this is the famous Big Club?

Yeah, I think so! The driver waited for us outside as we entered the darkish place. It was like hell! My new catch was perplexed. She picked her expensive phone and placed a call. She was talking to her friends who were supposed to meet her at Big club. Where are you guys?

They told her that they were having a great time at Big club in Nyarutarama! But someone brought me to a place called Gatenga. Isn’t Big Club at Gatenga? But before her friends could answer her, some crooks emerged from behind and snatched the expensive phone from the lady?

She screamed and wailed and shouted at the top of her voice. She was very very angry. She looked at me and declared that I was the source of all her troubles. And for that matter, I cannot give you the cash I had brought over for you. You are the lousiest person I have ever seen!?

She then stormed out of the makeshift building and straight to the waiting taxi. As for me, I was left behind stranded. I checked my pockets and found one thousand francs only. With my misery, I decided to sit in the dirty and darkish corner where I ordered for a huge bottle of Primus.

Contact: diaspoman@yahoo.com