After 12 years of marriage, Valeria Mwiza gave up. Though her marriage resulted in two wonderful children, she regrets marrying a man who was busy with everything but his family, to the point that he stopped providing for them altogether.

The 40-year-old Kigali-based accountant recalls her husband not being part of her childbirth experience, which, as a new mother, she expected—he instead couldn’t be less enthused.

Over time, she assumed the responsibilities of both a mother and father to her children, as her husband was not fulfilling them, not because he lacked the funds, but because he needed to be reminded of his household duties.

"I worked extremely hard to cater to the needs of the home and the children’s school fees. We turned into total strangers and I felt so lonely, a thing that piled up anger and grief elicited by the challenges. Yet, my husband complained about my changed attitude of not submitting to him. I felt empty, and it became clear that we were both better off going our separate ways,” she says.

They officially separated this year, and their families were supportive of their decision as the two could no longer bear to stay together.

What is loneliness in a marriage?

Loneliness can be identified as a feeling of unwanted isolation or lack of connection, whether someone is alone or surrounded by others.

Experts say that feeling lonely can increase one’s risk of early mortality, and feeling isolated can also upsurge the risk of high blood pressure, increased body mass index, high-density (lipoprotein) cholesterol levels, depression, decreased immunity, and suicidal thoughts.

According to Celestin Mutuyimana, a psychotherapist at Baho-Ubudaheranwa Clinic, Gikondo, loneliness is triggered or is a sign of several untold problems among couples, including the absence of a romantic relationship, lack of positive communication, irresponsibility of one of the partners, mismatch of interests, one-way relationship (for example when one partner contributes and invests a lot in the relationship), or even unmet needs and disappointments due to high hopes.

However, sometimes it may be a result of physical illness or psychological disorders like depression of one partner, and even ageing.

Mutuyimana says feeling alone is harmful and can aggravate vulnerability, which is why he encourages opening up to one’s partner and explaining the feeling. "Your partner may not notice that you’re lonely unless you say it,” he adds.

"Ask your partner how they feel about you. Take time to revise one’s background. Observe where one has ‘wounds’ and take measures together towards healing. Make plans together to bring the spark back into the relationship,” he adds.

Jane Mwangi, a Maxwell certified coach, trainer, speaker, and behavioural analysis consultant, says loneliness is in most cases stirred up by controlling spouses who want things to always go their way.

Some partners are manipulative and load the guilt on their spouses, whilst others don’t feel included in the other’s life, for example, when it comes to decision-making.

Mwangi explains that being too busy for each other to the extent of not nurturing the foundation of the family, and not meeting each other’s needs physically and emotionally, sets boredom in motion.

Options

"Create time for one another, take the initiative to reach out to your spouse, and find something you both enjoy doing together,” Mwangi says.

She recommends finding ways to uplift others, for instance, serve others together, and assist each other.

The coach says to find a good and healthy way to resolve conflicts, listen to one another, speak the truth, give honest feedback and also, learn to forgive.

According to Janvier Muhire, a clinical psychologist at mHub Clinic, loneliness in marriage can be incited by a number of factors, that is, family, work, and stress.

Nevertheless, internal influences such as one’s unrealistic expectations and fear of vulnerability inure connection between spouses.

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"Couples who are distant from each other can experience loneliness due to a lack of connection, feeling like their partner does not listen to them, not having enough sex, poor communication or lack of communication, money issues, life transitions, and daily stressors,” Muhire says.

Muhire further notes that lack of effort or attentiveness in a relationship is the root cause of loneliness. This is seen when couples have a lot of tasks to meet such as work, home, school, parenting, and house chores, among other daily duties.

When couples fall into the monotony of daily life without making intentional time to connect, the relationship may suffer, he says.

Muhire states that parental responsibilities can impede the progress of marriage, particularly when couples find it difficult to differentiate between the roles of parents and spouses, instead focusing solely on their parental responsibilities and disregarding their relationship.

"Our role as parents is very important, however, couples should work towards rekindling the relationship, which requires both time and energy.”

The clinical psychologist says that having open discussions and working together for the good of the relationship is ideal. For example, he suggests planning a weekend getaway or a date night, or even taking a walk in the park to eliminate the sense of loneliness.

Muhire states that loneliness can affect one's sleep or cause stress and negative thinking, which can be detrimental to one’s health.

"When you’re feeling lonely, it’s advisable to engage in health-promoting behaviours like exercising,” he says.

Signs of loneliness

Loneliness is an emotional and mental state of isolation. Some warning signs include feeling unable to be yourself with your partner, lacking candid intimacy, and obscuring your true feelings and likes. This state can derive from many different things, including depression, grief, and anxiety, as well as stress, Muhire says.

"Failure to get close to friends, the feeling of people not perceiving you, and the inability to connect with others on a deeper and more intimate level are signs not to be taken lightly,” he says, adding, "Overwhelming feelings of isolation regardless of where you are and who’s around, for example, even when you’re surrounded by people or during an event, you feel a sense of solitude. At times, it’s the negative feeling of self-doubt and self-worth.”