Dear Aunt Silvia,I suspect that my husband is having an affair outside marriage. He comes home the usual time, but there is something in his eyes that tells a different story. When he is at home, he sits alone in the living room, looking very sad and seems to daydream about something or someone.

We do not have children yet, because I am not ready; even though we have been married for seven years. I want to have him followed so that I can know what is happening in his life.DollyDear Dolly,Have you ever heard of the word "privacy” before? It is very uncouth to eavesdroop on someone, especially if this someone is your husband. Why should you have him followed? Why not strike the bull by its horns and ask him straight forward about what is going on in his life?Women who snoop on their husbands are said to have low esteem, and lack self confidence. You must have stamina to be able to stand the strong waves that come with an institution called marriage. It is said that marriage is not a bed of roses, but it’s not a bed of thorns either. Remember that if you spread roses on your bed, you will be more than comfortable sleeping on it– spread it with thorns and it will prickle you for the rest of your life, living miserably; it is up to you to make that decision.Something about us women is that when we notice some change in our men, the first thing we do is blow a horn and cry a river thinking that the man is in a relationship, even when he is not. It is true that when a married person is in a relationship something about them changes; but did you know that there is also a stage in everybody’s life called the midlife crisis? When a person is in midlife crisis, they tend not to be themselves.It needs a patient woman to take her husband through the period of midlife crisis. You never know what he has on his head. The poor man might be having pressure up to his neck with things concerning your lives like mortgage, car loans etc. and here you are busy thinking that he is having good time with some damsel somewhere, cheating on you.I have never been an advocate for women who like eavesdropping on their husbands. The easiest and best way to air your problems my dear, is to communicate and talk your things out. Marriage without communication is like driving a car without a steering wheel. Communication is everything in marriage. Just imagine you eavesdrop on him only for you to realize he is putting together a project for the benefit of both of you, and that is the reason he is brain drained.  How would that make him feel about you?You have also mentioned that you have been married for seven years but decided not to have children, because you were not ready. For how long are you going to wait for you to know that you are ready? Don’t be surprised that you are part of the problem as to why your husband is behaving the way he is. Seven years is a long time to wait to have children, just imagine if you had started getting children immediately you got married, by now you would have given birth to three children and called it a day. Your first born would have been in primary school, class 1.One thing you ought to understand is that our African society sometimes is not kind to people who seem not able to have children. Maybe he is being scorned by his peers or family members about his inability to have children; swallowing whatever insults that come his way just to protect you. Children are also a joy in any marriage. If one is able to get them, then why not? But there are other special cases where one or both partners have problems of fertility and can’t have children; but even in such a case there should be communication of the way forward. After all one life differs from the other.You seem to feel the opposite of how most women feel about having children. Most women get their children immediately after getting married just so that the clock does not start ticking on you while you are still making up your mind of when to start your family. You can’t wait to have children when you are hitting menopause my dear; even doctors advise women to get their children when they are in their twenties or thirties, once you cross the forty year line, it becomes almost dangerous to be pregnant; the complications and risks at that age are usually high.  Stop day dreaming about any woman trying to steal your man; instead I would encourage you to up your game. It’s about time you settle in your marriage, get babies if you must, and do all the things that a woman should to her husband to keep him in love with her always