When I was young I used to pray for a bike then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candle light dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

In London, a lady at a pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road, saw the little Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the other pavement.

An American visitor asked what the purpose of the audible sound was. On being told it was for blind people he said, ‘Oh, we don’t let them drive in America’.

"An abstract noun,” the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”

"Sure,” a teenage boy replied. "My father’s new car.” There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”

The other cow replies, "I am not worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens,” he said, "what is this?”

"Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.

"I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered.

"What is it now?”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?”

The man said, "Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”

Ends