When I realized that my pockets were not in such a healthy condition, I decided to spend the New Year’s Eve at this mega church in town. This was going to be a consolation for me as we ushered in the New Year. The church was packed and vibrant gospel music was ringing from all corners of the huge building. I sneaked in unnoticed and found myself seated between a guy and a lady. The guy resembled a real mountain. I mean the guy was so muscular! His biceps were round. His chest protruded out. As for the lady, she was much leaner and attractive. I told myself that 2012 should find me on a blessed ground.

The Pastor roared out a victorious Alleluia as he introduced the New Year the crowd. He then asked the congregation to pray for a neighbour. That is why this burly guy turned to me and placed his huge palms on my head. He started to bubble out a series of loud prayers as his hand pressed and pushed me to the ground. Before I could absorb what was happening, the pretty lady standing next to me also turned and screamed a long prayer in my left ear. It was so shrilling and my eardrum started to vibrate in pain.

After what seemed as eternity, the praying session calmed down a bit. I managed to get myself off the ground and resumed my seat. The lady on my left was still crying out and cursing demons. The huge guy on my right was boxing the air. It was a battle against the devil and we jointly declared that 2012 would be free of the devil and his likes. Such likes would include boozing, clubbing and other similar vices altogether.

The pastor roared out another heavy alleluia. He requested the people to give out gifts in form of cash. As the basket passed by, people dipped their hands in their pockets to give out to the lord. But when the basket reached me, I had no choice but to shake my head sideways. Believe me; I didn’t have a coin on me! And besides, I did not expect people to bring money as we celebrated the coming of a new year. My neighbours eyed me in a manner to suggest that I was a real sinner who needed more prayers. They just couldn’t wait for the pastor to announce a new prayer session so that they could award me with another rap.

The pastor was kind. He did not order for more prayers. Instead, he called upon the crowd to sing and dance for the lord. WOW! It was like the sounds at the Camp Nou when Messi scores against Real Madrid! The roar in the house was deafening as Christians showed their dancing skills. I was still stuck between the huge man and vibrant lady! They turned their attention from my misery ways to the praise and worship.

Now it was the turn for my ribs to feel the effects of the rejoicing. As they danced and jumped, their elbows struck out at frequent intervals hitting me all over my sides. I tried to duck but it was of no use. They say that if you can’t beat them, then just join them. That is why I found myself jumping and dodging as if I was in boxing ring. I managed to survive this phase of the praise and worship until the tone of the songs cooled down. It was time for slow songs and soft praise as the Holy Spirit descended upon us.

Ironically, it was this slow phase of the worship that hit me the worst! You see, when the faithful are in such a spirit, they are usually obliged to wave their hands high in the sky, as they sing sweet messages to our creator. It was at this point that a strong unpleasant perfume escaped from both sides of the coin. The muscular guy raised his arms and a strong whiff came dashing straight from his armpits to my nostrils! I almost fainted.

In a bid to dodge such a bad smell, I turned my head to the left where this lady was also raising her arms to receive blessings. The results were even more disastrous. The emissions hit me like a bang! I almost fell down on my knees. But I picked up all the strength and headed for the exit where I could catch the fresh 2012 air!

Happy New year everybody!
diaspoman@yahoo.com