I have mentioned before about it being utterly selfish to expect something from someone that you cannot live up to personally.

Despite the overload of relationship advice out there, at the end of the day, the most important voice in the matter is your own.

If you want to find the person intended for you, it is your sworn duty to focus on preparing yourself. No matter how great a partner you get, you can’t compliment them with your own uncivilized ways. Eventually the goodness in that person wears out (or is put to better use with someone who appreciates it!).

Ask yourself if you are truly ready for ‘the one’ because finding him means you are ready to spend the rest of your life with him. Are you ready for both the joy and the sacrifice that comes with that kind of commitment? Be the one God intended you to be – your wonderfully unique self – and you will find the one He intended for you.

Be the kind of person you would want your partner to be. It is not wise to assume that he will have everything and on top of that, carry your baggage too! That’s asking for too much. At least meet the man half way and carry your own bag of good qualities to give the relationship some balance.

But you have to bear in mind that there is no such thing as ‘the perfect guy’ or the ‘the perfect woman’ either. Be realistic when hoping for the one who will stand beside you at the end of the aisle as your father (or maybe brother) walks you down.

The overly loving, ridiculously caring, dangerously handsome, from a good family, well educated, money-having, faithful, great with kids, puts his wife first in everything - kind of guy simply does not exist! Get your head out the clouds and stop that wishful thinking because no one is like that so let it go!

Being the one means handling yourself in a way your partner would admire. Maturity, generosity and self-awareness are just a few of the elements that could possibly win you ‘the one’. Being single and longing for your soul mate is no easy place to be. I’ve heard almost every complaint in the book about dating but what mostly kills your chances at ‘happily-ever-after’ is your attitude towards it.

Our attitudes affect our actions and we are not always as self aware as we should be. For example, do you say you want to get married but do not date regularly? Do you want someone who is loving, forgiving and tender yet you do not exhibit those same qualities? Do you pretend everything is fine yet deep down you are unsettled and miserable?

It is time to get real and authentic about these inconsistencies or blind spots. They are the very things keeping us from achieving happiness and fulfillment in ourselves and in relationships. They also create negative patterns with the person we attract.

A negative, cynical attitude about past dating experiences can never attract anything positive. When you instinctively question your own lovability, you attract men who question it too. The kind of energy you exude will be reflected in the individuals attracted to you.

No one takes a girl with almost no self-esteem seriously. If you think you are not anything special, then guys will treat you like you are, ‘not anything special’. Women with no self-esteem need to work on their attitude. Plus, what happened in a past relationship doesn’t have to happen again. So don’t constantly dot on the past, expecting history to repeat itself because if you insist, it will.

Lastly, just remember that ‘the one’ doesn’t knock everyday so when you finally find a great man with the potential, be on your best behavior. Hard as it might be (because old habits die hard) try, for ‘the ones’ sake or at least wait for him to leave the house then unleash your true self!

rachel. garuka@newtimes.com