…cannot tell the difference between a watch and a phone. I am honestly sick and tired of people who think that when I bought my Nokia, I just bought a watch.

Last week some sweaty dude had the guts to ask me to check my phone and tell him the time. I was about to slap the guy then I remembered that parliament has not yet enacted the law that allows The Hater to slap fools in public.

But seriously, couldn’t this dude see that I was busy posting stuff on twitter and not playing with my watch? If you want to know the time, then I suggest you look at the position of the sun, not my Nokia

…sit on a Moto and hold the helmet in their hands. I am shocked by the rate of at which I witness mobile stupidity. I am talking about those wanna-be suicide victims with brains on vacation, who sit on a motorcycle and instead of wearing a helmet on their head, they hold it in one hand as the motorcycle speeds away. So if I may ask, are you protecting your hand or may be you think that is a metallic glove? The helmet was made to protect your head but you seem to possess no brains so you care less if your head is smashed. Oh I hope it eventually gets smashed. These guys belong at the Ndera mental facility not on our motorcycles.

…use their star power to show star stupidity. At the recent Kwita Izina ceremony, a Ugandan star hired to entertain the guests (including The Hater) decided to pick a small child from the crowd and onto the stage. This regional celebrity thought it cool (pun intended) to ‘donate’ his belt and shades to the small boy. Now why on earth would an adult with brains think it is cool to donate his belt to a 9 or 10 year old? So what is the boy supposed to use it for? Mr. Bebe Cool, there is nothing cool in what you did. And I am sure the small boy had other urgent needs than oversized shades and a belt. Next time I see you I will donate to you my used primary school books. You surely need an education.

…say the right things to the wrong people. Let me hope I am not the only one who knows these part time thinkers. Yes the ones who post on their Facebook things like, "I am feeling sick.” Dude, get off Facebook. Go see a real doctor. Such fools deserve it when people start liking their status updates. Talking about your illness on Facebook is like telling a barman at 11pm that your car has no shock absorbers. That is a bar not a garage. The same actually goes to those who say they like me. I will say this one last time; I am The Hater not the lover. If you like me, that is good; but then I am not going to like you back. I only get paid to hate.

…do not visit their sick friends. In case you didn’t know, I spent the most of last week down with malaria. Actually, I have already asked the police to hunt down that female anopheles mosquito that infected me with malaria. The more annoying thing is that people did not visit me when I was sick. Is this not the right thing to do? When your friend is sick, you visit with stuff to drink and eat. But I have waited and waited and even decided to stop being sick. I thought my friends were busy buying Inyange juice to bring to my house, but it seems they have joined the people I hate. I have now decided not to fall sick again until I get new friends.   

Let me help you hate by sending your suggestions to thehater2009@gmail.com or a text message to +250 788 545293

The Hater

Ends