…keep asking me about the Royal wedding. While I was busy trying to earn a living by hating, some two adults named William and Kate decided to get married.

First of all these two are neither my friends nor my relatives.

That is why I get really annoyed when an idle person asks me about a wedding of people who are strangers to me.

If I got married tomorrow, would Prince William ask about me?

And for the ladies who are fond of asking me about this wedding, why don’t you try asking me to marry you? That way I can have something serious to talk about.

Otherwise I suggest you go to the British High Commission with your nagging questions.

…wear dirty old vests in public. One of these days I will ask NATO to bomb some fools off our streets. The other day a joker entered a taxi headed to Nyabugogo dressed in just a vest. Where are such fools born?

I won’t even ask where they were raised because there is no evidence that they were taught any manners. Did this guy think he was entering a gym?

With only a vest this dude’s armpits clearly smelt like hot garbage! Isn’t such behaviour supposed to be illegal in Kigali?

To keep Kigali clean some of these fellows may have to be sent to Misurata for a meeting with Gadafii or NATO. Otherwise we may need a No-Fool-Zone enforced in our city. 

…do crazy things in the name of beauty. If indeed beauty is in the hands of the beholder who in this case is me The Hater, why then do people go out of their way to do crazy things hoping to look beautiful?

To be honest I am tired of seeing ladies who get rid of their natural eyelashes and then use a pencil or marker and simply draw a line.

What is this nonsense? God gave you eyelashes and now you just have two curves drawn with an eye pencil! Are you an artist?

Why don’t you just cut oft the whole face and paint a new one? All you girls who do this should know that you just look like cheap art pieces.

…hoot endlessly as if they are afraid of the dark. I wish the traffic police could patrol outside my house and arrest my foolish neighbours who have adopted a very sickening habit.

I am talking about these villagers with cars that reach home at night and decide to hoot endlessly as if that can result in the gate opening automatically.

These guys only succeed in waking up the rest of us or interrupting us as we read or do other ‘important’ things that serious people do at night. (Like Hating, what else did you think I meant?).

How come before you bought the car you were not screaming to get people to open for you? Can someone confiscate these people’s cars before I do it myself?

…pretend to be tough yet they don’t know how to hide. I am tired of switching on my TV only to be told that another notorious person has been smoked out of his hiding place.

First it was Saddam Hussein then Laurent Gbagbo and finally I was informed that Osama bin Laden had decided to give up his record of being the best player of hide and seek.

The former record holder ‘kindly’ took two bullets to the head and it was game over. Why can’t these guys learn from me? I hide from the public and it’s only my nyumba kumi and friends who know where I live.

The US doesn’t know where I am hiding and so they are not even interested in looking for me!       

Let me help you hate by sending your suggestions to thehater2009@gmail.com or

a text message to +250 788 545293

The Hater