The things we do when we are alone are simply wacky! Like one artist once put, if your night turns to day, people would run away from you.

Here I’m not talking about making faces in the mirror, dancing for no audience or moving about in the house nude, when some people are alone, the things they do can make Lucifer shy.

There is a story of a lady who once gobbled baked beans though she knew her stomach had issues with them, on reaching her home; her husband was waiting for her at the door.

"Honey I have a surprise for you,” he said, then blind folded her and carefully led her to the dining table.

However, before removing the clothe that covered her eyes, the hubby’s phone rung.

"Honey, don’t peep, let me answer the phone,” he said before shuffling off. She could hear him talking. It’s at this time that she felt like passing gas, she shifted the weight on one side and released herself from the torture, then fanned the air with a napkin. She did this several times, when the husband finally came.

 He was like, "Honey, I guess you didn’t peep!” He removed the blind fold, and the lady couldn’t believe her eyes! She was surrounded by fifteen people, family and friends who had come to attend her surprise birthday party. They all chorused happy birthday.

There’s another worn-out story of a young lass who visited his fiancée at the university campus. In a bid to impress her, he got his last dime and ordered for her some chips and liver, the girl had just a few forkfuls and claimed to be full.

The guy got the still steamy left-overs and threw them in the trash bin in the corner of the room. A few minutes later the girl said goodbye and left.

No sooner had she left than the guy went for the trash bin and started retrieving the food. Unfortunately, the girl had forgotten her purse. When she entered the unlocked room, she found the guy busy retrieving the food from the bin!

But my worst ever was of a Tom who had sweet talked Mercy, a village belle, for half a decade. Village girls don’t usually leave their homes, so the guy only could get a few minutes to present his manifesto whenever they met at the community well or when fetching firewood.

One day, she finally agreed and promised that she’d sneak into his hut late in the evening. The guy like the apostles waiting for the holly spirit was restless, but as luck would have it, soon the clouds started to darken and a drizzle followed shortly.

The guy, who usually had his dinner with his family at his father’s house which was next to his hut, knew that she wasn’t going to make it. He thus went to the main house to get his food.

This is when the belle came; she sneaked in and hid in the corner of the now semi-dark hut. When Tom came, with a larger than life food bowl and a jug of water, he didn’t sense her presence. By then the drizzle had grown to a shower, so even the hope of her coming vanished. All the while, Mercy was enjoying herself seeing him eating while talking to himself!

After eating and gulping all the contents in the jug, his stomach started to protest and making funny noises! It wanted to reduce the contents, at first he tried to resist but as you know, when nature calls no one can hung-up! At this time, outside it was raining cats and dogs, a scene similar to that of the times that called for Noah to build an arc!

 He couldn’t brave the down pour, just then a wicked thought entered his mind and the boiling tummy didn’t allow him to think it over, he decided to put it in action before the worst happened.

Thinking that he was alone, he didn’t bother about the tales or a proverb that says walls have eyes and ears; he pulled down his pants (held by elastic in the waist) and eased himself in a basin! His girl was dismayed!

One can’t tell whether it was annoyance or the horrible gas that chased her from her hiding place; she shoved him aside before he could even complete the horrendous feat and dashed out!

Things we do when we are alone or when we think we are, can be unthinkable.

martin.bishop18@yahoo.com