I know of a man who was in a pit, for 10 days under a mass of bodies, little droplets of rain trickling through the foul moulds of flesh. He thought he was dead, he laughed as he rose from the steaming rotting mound, he laughed in the rain as he shouted at the drunken interahamwe that he was in hell, and it was Rwanda.

The killers were too scared to touch a madman, who had cannibalised flesh to survive. When he awoke, he realised he was not in hell but in Rwanda and the nightmare of rotting bodies was true.

He got out of that pit and never returned, in any form, be it mentally, spiritually, financially or any form. When we look at the consequences of the genocide, we look at the physical and the emotional aspects of the tragedy. People deal with it differently; some block it out and push on. The story of Joseph in the Bible is a great lesson in triumphing over adversity; he went from the pit to power being the Pharaoh’s Vizier.

I wonder if his forgiveness drove him to success or success drove him to forgiveness.

One of the most amazing acts of reconciliation in Rwanda was the case of Samputu, our treasured singer. He forgave his family’s killer and is friends with them, that is because of his faith, but partly because he is emotionally and financially secure.

Other survivors have told me that they have tried so hard to forgive but they cannot, partly because they blame themselves for surviving.

We should tell people that it is normal to feel that way; they should not feel the pressure to feel a different way. It is normal and natural to hate someone who killed your family, but it is not healthy.
 
There is the story of Lot’s wife, she could not take her eyes off the past and froze into salt, all throughout our human history we are told never to look back. So my friend climbed out of the pit and never looked back, he changed his name, changed his walk, his laugh, his accent, like a butterfly changes from a caterpillar and never looks back.

He was not a victim, he was not weak, and he was stronger than we’ll ever be. He sees the men who did it almost every week, he used to hate them, but now he feels nothing and that is progress. Sometimes reconciliation is a quiet nod of acceptance or indifference.

Imagine a man thrown in a pit, then the person who threw him there apologises and he accepts the apology, then they just leave him in the pit.

Within minutes the forgiveness is gone, the mental pit is still there, the pain is still there. Forgiveness is not the absence of pain or hurt, it is the antidote to the pain and hurt, it is the ladder to help you climb out of the pit.

If you wait till the pain is gone then you will die bitter, the one you hate might have forgiven themselves and moved on.

Courage is not the absence of fear, faith is not the absence of doubt, and these must live side by side in the same heart. We must forgive but must not condone, we must reconcile but not forget lest it may happen again. Sometimes we paint a very simplistic picture of what is

happening regarding reconciliation in Rwanda, what is happening is more successful and complex than is portrayed.

To go from killing in the streets to mere peace is miracle enough. So when people ask "are you truly reconciled?” That will only be done case by case, person by person, till then we will just focus on the daily struggle for existence.

Ends