It was my first time to undertake the kind of hunting where you go through agents, as if you are buying a plot of land or livestock.

This wasn’t an agent per se but almost the same thing because Tonto KK was doing this to return a favour, if you remember what I did to save him from the claws of a marriage-hungry bird.

If I had not acted around the clock to hatch a plan to free him, Tonto would have been a married man by Christmas last year, and that would have been the end of his freedom to roam the city for 24 hours.

Anyhow, Tonto KK told me to relax and leave everything to him - he assured me that I would not need to do any hunting on New Year’s Eve because he would arrange everything for my comfort.

He even assured me that he would give me VIP service, which means that he would deliver the ‘goods’ to my place.

The only thing I would be required to do, he said, was to make sure that the fridge was well stocked, because he did not want to compromise his VIP service. I told him I would play my part, although I was a bit apprehensive, knowing Tonto KK’s erratic nature.

On the D-day, Tonto KK arrived at the arranged time with two well groomed birds in tow.

Tonto was smiling from ear to ear as he always does whenever he achieves success in doing something he had doubt about. I welcomed the party of three to the sitting room and asked ‘kadogo’ to serve drinks according to everyone’s taste.

I had made sure that I stock the fridge with a variety of drinks to accommodate the various tastes of the birds because they normally change like the weather.

A bird might decide to ask for Fanta Orange just because she wants to look ‘innocent’ or vierge while in actual fact she can make Bralirwa run out of stock when she decides to play her normal game.

To my surprise, these birds were not here to play innocent or vierge at all and I was quite impressed. I hate pretenders because they can make a hunter lose precious time. The one Tonto had introduced as ‘his’ asked for a cold Mitzo (read mutzig) while the one designated for my consumptions asked for Amstel Bocke.

This is where I immediately started sensing trouble. For those who don’t know this kind of Amstel, it’s an expensive kind that is brewed in the kitchens of Brarudi, on the shores of Lake Tanganyika in Buja.

It is rare to find in Kigali because it is only stocked by chosen bars which sell them at exorbitant prices. I had not expected anyone to ask for this type of beer hence I did not stock it. This set off a major hunt for the coveted beer in the neighboring joints and beyond.

I dispatched ‘Kadogo’ with a big bag to go and purchase as many bottles as he could get wherever he would find them.
I was even more shocked when ‘my bird’ decided that she could not sit around and watch us drink as she waited for ‘Kadogo’ to return. She asked for the ‘ordinary’ Amstel as a waiting incentive.

I was prompted to call Tonto aside to ask him where he had fished these fishes for the way they were guzzling, they could only be equated to fish, only that our type of fish were retaining what they were drinking in their bellies.

Tonto told me that these were certified nsenene which had sneaked out or some rupangu in Kagugu to spend quality time away from their controlling parents.

For a moment, I found myself wondering whether whatever these birds learn at school does not dissolve in their skulls, because of the amount of alcohol that they consume during holidays.

Soon Kadogo arrived with a bagful of ‘Amstel Bocke’ which ‘my bird’ descended on with such vengeance leaving us watching in awe. The way she guzzled down bottle after bottle, you would think she had just been rescued from a collapsed mine.

Soon she started being too talkative and even asked me to increase the volume of the radio so she could dance. Tonto’s bird in comparison was a bit relaxed and calm but she would stand up and do a waltz once in a while.

Then the bird fished out her phone and started with checking her facebook page. Then she started answering incessant calls from the devil knows who.

She would go out and answer a call, then come back and apologise, then out again and again.

I was getting worried because; experience has taught me that birds should never go for a date with a phone because if they do, the date is bound to be interfered with in one way or another.

As the top of the hour was approaching, she started to guzzle down her drinks as if she had been warned that she would get cancer if she drank a drop after midnight.

When it clicked midnight, we drank to the new year, kissed and hugged and as I was asking ‘Kadogo’ to go fetch more ‘Amstel Bocke’ because it was the only drink whose stock had been depleted so far, the bird said there  was no need because she was supposed to join her friends for the rest of the night.

What insolence! I have not forgiven Tonto for supplying ‘ibigarasha’ but he has promised to make it up to me quite soon. This time I will first look at the vital signs.

Ends