The plan, as I told you last Sunday, was that Tonto takes the bird out at the usual outing joint and orders for drinks and play the lover boy like he has never been before.

 I would ‘accidentally’ spot them as I enter and join them and start inquiring from the bird how the preparations for the wedding were going. At some point, the ‘wife’ would storm the joint and cause a scuffle, accusing Tonto of neglecting the family.

Tonto would say nothing and I would ask the ‘wife’ to explain herself because the man she was claiming to be her husband was actually scheduled to get married to the one and only bird before her eyes.

She would grab the next bottle and aim for the bird’s skull but I would come to her rescue and wrestle the bottle from the irate ‘wife.’

Things went as planned in the beginning. Tonto’s ‘neglected wife’ stormed the place and confronted her ‘irresponsible husband’, accusing him of all sorts of misbehaviour. We had chosen the right person for this role because she acted it out so well and managed even to shed some tears.

Things went out of hand when I told her that her ‘husband’ was actually a matrimonial candidate and that soon he was going to get married to the lady seated in our midst.

She also handled this part so well. She almost ‘fainted’ with shock but ‘regained’ her composure and stared hard at her ‘rival’ who had been speechless all the time. Tonto’s ‘wife’ could not even talk and she resorted to sign language out of shock.

Then all of a sudden, like someone possessed, she grabbed Tonto’s Skol bottle and aimed for her ‘rival’s’ head.

She caught me unawares and I was slow to play my part. Staring death in the eye, the ‘soon-to-be-married’ bird ducked under the table screaming and throwing around all the bottles and glasses that were on it.

Because I was late to grab the bottle, being the actor that she was, Tonto’s ‘wife’ waited until her ‘rival’ was out of harm’s way under the table and let the bottle land where she was seated to make it look like she had missed her head by a whisker.

The commotion was too much and the noise and breaking bottles attracted not only the patrons of the place but also the manager herself.

I tried to drag the ‘angry wife’ away so that she could not cause more harm but the manager could not hear of it. She wanted to know what was happening and who would pay for all the damages caused.

I told her we would handle it but she refused to understand me. She said she had already called the police to intervene and make someone pay for breaching tranquillity at her joint.

Since we had not planned for such an eventuality, we started to panic. Tonto almost bolted out of the place but his ‘wife’ thought fast and stopped him. I saw her logic.

If the police came in and did not reach to the bottom of the matter because one of the culprits was missing, they would be forced to make someone spend a night with them at their accommodation facilities.

As things turned out, we had no choice but to face the police. Before long, we heard the hazy voices of police walkie- talkies and patrons started to go back to their seats.

The superior police officer briefly talked to the manager before approaching us and asked to be briefed about what the problem was.

Tonto’s ‘wife’ immediately started to talk with controlled rage and narrated how her ‘husband’ had abandoned her and ‘their two children’ for three days and when she came looking for him, she found him in the company of another woman who she learnt he was planning to marry.

The police then asked Tonto for his side of the story and he told them that he had indeed not gone back home to his wife and children because of ‘tight work schedules’ but denied that he was planning to marry another woman.

He said the lady in his company was ‘just a friend’ and that he did not know where the idea of marriage came from. His ‘wife’ then pointed at me, saying I had provided the information.

When it was my time to talk, I said I had no idea Tonto had a wife and that the bird, who was still shaking from fright, had informed me that plans were underway for a wedding between her and Tonto.

When the police asked the frightened bird whether she was planning the marriage with full knowledge of the other party and whether she knew he was a married man, amid tears she said that she had no idea he was married and that she did not want to involve him in the wedding plans because of unpleasant family experiences.

The police asked ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ to sort their differences and advised the loser to be careful next time. She was also asked to pay the entire bill and for every damage caused. As the police left, the three of us smiled all the way to the next joint.

Ends