I met a guy via the internet 12 months ago. We eventually met physically and everything was great. We planned on getting married. He came to my country and stayed with me for a while.

However, when it was time for him to return back to his home, everything fell apart. He called off the wedding. He said that he couldn’t get married because he preferred to have his freedom. He said he still loves me but can’t be with me.

Now this has turned my world upside down and as the days and weeks go by, I am finding it harder to cope with. We are still in contact with each other, but I feel I can’t move on without him. I so desperately want to work things out with him, but don’t know the way to go about it.

Every time I mention how I am feeling, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He says he needs his space and I have given him that space yet he still has the hold over me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am not getting any support from my family on this matter and they keep saying hurtful things to me.

I wish I knew a way to make him see that everything he and I have been through to be together meant that we really did love each other and still do. He has been quite selfish about it all and only thinks of himself and doesn’t want to know my feelings. So . . . how do I make him listen?

Dorcas.

Dear Dorcas,

As painful as it may be, you may have to accept the fact that this man does not share your feelings. You state that he says he still loves you but his behaviour isn’t consistent with love. He doesn’t want to discuss your feelings and appears quite comfortable keeping you at a distance. It’s possible he discovered he didn’t love you when he visited you but lacked the ability to discuss his feelings honestly with you in person. When he returned to the US he was able to stop the wedding plans but he is still keeping you hanging.

The lack of support you feel from your family regarding your relationship could be significant. I suggest you seek counselling and explore your feelings regarding the rejection you’re going through and the possible patterns of rejection you have experienced in the past with your family. Understanding your history of how you have responded in the past to the emotional unavailability of those close to you can help you understand your current feelings. As hard as it may be to think about now, this understanding can lead to acceptance of the reality of your situation with this man. Then you’ll be able to move forward. The emotional abandonment you’re feeling now can be very frightening and painful. Trust that you will recover and eventually experience a loving relationship.

Ends