With hunting grounds getting gazetted at an alarming rate, professional hunters will be left with no option but to commit the serious offence of poaching.

Have you ever taken time to note the weddings that take place every Saturday in this country? Oh my days! Sometimes you would be led to think that there are no free birds left out there.

But the consolation is that the process is open- ended – the rate at which birds are taken is the same rate they are dropped or quit. But this does not take away the uncomfortable feeling that the birds are not in the same state as when they joined the matrimonial band wagon.

Due to the cultural attachment to marriage, birds think it’s fashionable to get married even if there are no feelings of intimacy involved. Some birds that I have talked to seem to dream about marriage, some even calling the wedding day ‘the happiest day’ of any girl.

I have listened in disbelief as some birds go about planning their wedding days even when they know they don’t even have a boyfriend yet. To them, there is nothing more dignifying for a bird than wearing a white veil surrounded by brides’ maids and riding in a posh car and be treated like she was an invalid.

Some attend weddings they are not invited to, just to get tips for their own wedding. Others only go there to admire and enrich their dreams further.

That is why most hunters have been blackmailed into tying the knot when all they wanted was an innocent relationship with no rings attached.

I can assure you that birds out there are willing to do anything to experience ‘the wedding day’ even if it means they die right after that. That is why hunters have to be very afraid. Very afraid indeed.

Due to this, hunters are growingly finding themselves in an awkward situation because the moment you approach a bird these days with a temporary hunting permit, she will flash out the tag that reads ‘if you need me, marry me.’

I can assure you that birds are very determined and there is no way of trying to weave your way around this tag.

Naturally a mediocre hunter who does not go with the trends will try to blah, blah the old crap of "darling, I will marry you but we need to know each other better”.

The birds have heard these lines so many times that a hunter might get slapped if he brought this kind of crap. If you know better, it is worthwhile to promise marriage in the shortest time possible. Statements like "are you sure you want to marry me? Oh my God, I would marry you any time if you mean what you are saying” would give you unlimited access to any bird these days.

But I am not very fond of talking about things to do with marriage because I don’t want even to joke about it.  That is why I have devised another strategy. Since I am well aware that there are no feelings involved in these post-wedding relationships, this is the best loophole to exploit.

Most of these hunters you see holding wedding meetings are doing this at gun point. Most likely they are only doing this because they have been blackmailed into it.

Otherwise if they had their own way, they would opt to enjoy some time as bachelors. Once they are cornered and realize they have no alternative but to ‘settle’ down, they grudgingly organize wedding meetings to ask for contributions which is in itself a way of trying to rub off some of their frustrations.

I have now decided to act like a hyena. By acting like a hyena I mean that I am going to be stalking ‘hostage’ takers and make them my agenda. By hostage takers I hope you know that I am talking about those birds that have succeeded in taking hostages and are in the process of organizing a wedding.

I will only hunt birds that I know are wedding hopefuls to avoid being taken hostage myself. The problem with my strategy is that while I am at it, plans might backfire and the hostage escapes and I find myself taking the place of the first hostage. I of course know that I have to be very careful in this. See you next Sunday.

Ends