Failed relationships are not always about cheating and fights, at times, it is failure to respect and love one another.

It’s easy for someone to rush into a relationship based on infatuation, making it hard to love someone you barely respect. Pressure from society has also pushed some to settle for people they neither love nor respect.

Some people attach attraction to physical appearance, yet if you respect someone, it’s their character that makes them admirable.

Herbert Mugarura, a businessman in Kigali, knows what love and respect feel like, and for him, when two people understand that language, every little fight and misunderstanding will be averted.

He believes that failure to read what your partner loves and the things that annoy them is the starting point of ruining everything.

With time, the little complaints and misunderstanding each other just create boredom, and slowly the couple lowers their communication—and once communication is affected, the relationship or friendship is no more.

According to Mugarura, his relationship may not be a bed of roses but a work in progress, however, he and his fiancé have come to an understanding of how to solve issues in a mature way. That is, accepting one’s mistake when they are wrong, avoiding confrontation or raising voices at each other while angry, and keeping away judgement and doubt.

He also says that having the ability to open up about the things your partner does that make you feel broken, unseen, unheard, unloved and ignored is key, rather than just keeping quiet.

He says that love and respect allow one to show another their mistakes in a reasonable way, and seek means to do better together. This is helpful because you can’t read someone’s mind and figure out what they think about you.

Mugarura says that regardless of the fights, it’s necessary to solve whatever issues before going to bed, as that allows waking up with positive energy, but also, put all the pain and harshness behind you before another day starts.

"Love and respect would also mean appreciation of your partner’s indifferences, for instance, not turning down their perception or opinions about things, and learning to support their hobbies or the things they believe in,” he says.

Dr Emerson Eggerichs in his book ‘Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs’ says when it comes to marriage, communication is one of the major problems shaking couples.

He points out that if husbands and wives are to understand the love and respect connection, they must realise that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

He says, "Communication between husbands and wives is such a problem because it goes back to the fact that we send each other messages in "code,” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all. Learning to decipher your spouse’s code isn’t always done in a day, a month, or even a year.”

The author notes that some wives fear that taking a respectful attitude during a conflict with their husbands will render them powerless. These women do not believe a husband will change into a loving man unless he is awakened to his flaws. And the only way he will awaken to his inadequacies and faults is to hear his wife’s grumblings, corrections, and contempt.

He says that the good news is that the husband needs to only focus on two questions. First, he must ask, "Is my wife coming across to me disrespectfully because she is feeling unloved?” Good things are in store when he learns to decode his wife’s deepest cry. Secondly, he must ask, "Will what I say or do next come across as loving or unloving to my wife?”

Understanding love and respect

‘When you love someone, you have a strong sense of affection and liking toward someone else. You create emotional closeness, intimacy, and passion. You’re committed to each other’s happiness and each of you feels like you have found the perfect partner.

‘Respect, on the other hand, is a bit more in-depth. Ultimately, respect means you have a deep admiration for someone’s qualities, abilities, and achievements. The main difference between love and respect boils down to this: love is a feeling of affection toward someone, while respect is an admiration for them based on who they are as a person.

‘Respect allows both partners to feel valued, encouraged, and safe. You show kindness and consideration toward each other. You appreciate each other’s differences and accept each other for who you are. You may not always agree on things, but when you respect each other, you’re willing to keep an open mind and consider different perspectives,’ writes Caitlin Killoren in the article ‘10 Reasons Why ‘Respect’ Is the Foundation to Any Positive Relationship’.