Before I was rudely interrupted by the usual ex-rugby star bully, I was telling you about my adventures at the Kenyan coast and before I stammered off, I was narrating how I had bumped into a white bird which was part of a group that was enjoying like they had been told that the world was arriving at its expiry date the next day.

 I also remember telling you that this was the same bird that I had been secretly eye-balling all the time as I sat down chatting with another bird, the one that started off as a jinni, only to turn out as a very available real human bird. Yes, since I was here as bird hunter and not a lover on honeymoon I decided to abandon the ex-jini bird and ‘elope’ with the white one - I like my hunting when there are no strings, however thin, attached. The first bird was tending towards releasing strings and I had to keep a distance before the strings entangled me.

As I was saying, we left the ‘Big Tree’ club and headed towards the road where there is a huge makuti signpost written Pirates, announcing the location of the white sand beach resort. When you are new to a place and you don’t want to draw attention from possible muggers or robbers, you use taxis. That is why I waved down the first tuk-tuk that came our way and I asked the ‘driver’ to take us to the most happening club in town.

Seeing that I was with a muzungu bird, his tourist-town mindset told him he had to do his best to impress. He took us to a place called Salambo club and I was indeed impressed. This was a place I had been dreaming to go to for some time.

The zungu bird paid the tuk guy and even tipped him by doubling the fare he asked for. Yes, she paid! -  And should I say again that I like zungu birds?

We made a big entry into the crowded club, and by the way the bird was already gyrating before even hitting the floor, I was sure I was going to have one of those long memorable nights (and mornings).

Once we hit the floor, we immediately set the club on fire! Again, another tick about zungu birds is the fact that they don’t expect you to behave like a gentleman when you are out to have fun – or may be the reason is they don’t expect much from an African hunter – and who cares?

We jumped, rolled on the ground and screamed in the name of dancing and having fun (Oh, the things we do in the name of having fun!!) and funny enough, we turned out to be a big influence to many as they followed suit and threw all caution to the air.

During all this time I was trying to suppress temptation as I could see a couple of available birds eye-balling me suggestively. I had to remind myself that I had just eloped with one bird and therefore had no business eloping with another one before even knowing the name of the first one. That would be irresponsible hunting - I have standards you know!

It was not until the early hours of the morning as fatigue set in that I realized that we both had nowhere to retire to. I knew I had to think fast before the bird started asking questions.

That’s when I approached one of the birds who were eye balling me since the time we arrived and asked her if I could have a word with her. She accepted without questions and I excused myself from the zungu bird. She did not mind – I love zungu birds! Once out of earshot, I told the bird that I am a bird hunter from the land of 1K hills and that I was with a zungu work colleague with whom we had come to the coast to attend a conference in Lamu and we had come all the way to Mombasa to have fun away from the rest of the conference participants.

I told her I did not want to book a hotel because I did not want the zungu to do you-know-what to me because I don’t like zungu birds, blah blah blah. As I had expected, she told me she would house the both of us for as long as we wanted to stay, on condition that she becomes my bird. I told her I had no problem with this.

When I went back to the zungu bird, I told her we were in luck because ‘my cousin sister’ was willing to accommodate us. Luckily and typical of zungu birds, she did not ask many questions and we left the club as the sun started to break out of its cover.

The bird had a posh apartment by the seaside and the zungu bird almost ruined everything by commenting that ‘my cousin’ has a nice house. The other bird either heard the word ‘nice house’ only or she merely ignored her. I bet fatigue was also taking its toll. Anyhow, we were in the house and ready to sleep and our host started showing us to our rooms.

When the zungu bird queried why she was going to sleep alone, I winked at the host and took the zungu aside and told her that my cousin is very possessive and it is better this way, but assured her I would find a ‘solution’ after ‘my cousin sister’ goes to sleep – she understood (I started wondering whether this bird was for real).

After making her understand, the host took me to her self contained room and started showing me around - albums, stories, blah blah blah.

I left her preparing for bed and went to the sitting room to do some planning because the task ahead was not easy for sure. The TV was on and that’s how I saw World Cup reviews.

I really was impressed by the World Cup parks and plans started developing in my head. South Africa isn’t very far from Mombasa, isn’t it?

Ends