I have been in a relationship with my fiancée for almost three years now.  During the entire time, he has beaten me over and over again and many times I keep it as a secret- the latest of which he pushed me down the stairs when he was very drunk. I was admitted in hospital for about 30 days but now I am well.

He always apologises after beating me up and reassures me that he loves me very much but I doubt this because I think he is on drugs. Most times he becomes so sweet and he buys me gifts and flowers when he knows that he has wronged me and I always end up forgiving him because no one has ever loved me the way he does.

Should I be patient with him and hope that he will change once we get married? He proposed to me when I was in hospital. My family thinks I am crazy but I am just in love. Please advise
Marie Jose 

Dear Marie Jose,

What makes you think that he loves you so much? The flowers and the gifts he brings you after a thorough beating with no strength to even enjoy them?

This is a getaway ticket line to justify why you are still with him even though you know that you should not be there. Apologising and buying you sweet things is immaterial; it doesn’t come from his heart and he does it just to assert his authority over you and better still to insult your intelligence.

I have seen a fair share of physical abuses and I can comfortably tell you that such situations hardly get any better and as I frequently say, "there comes a time when your personal interests come before all other interests.”

You did not mention it but I guess you are not financially stable, he may have isolated you from your friends and family so you have no one to turn to then he makes you believe that you cannot make it without him.

These factors combined form a good platform for physical abuse. Having lived with him for some time, I would not take your suspicion about drugs lightly. Telltale signs that he is on drugs include having double personalities (he is one thing in the morning and a totally different person in the evening), frequent short and "unaccounted-for-periodical” disappearances and that explains his one time being abusive while the next he feigns innocence.

Nonetheless, no one deserves any form of abuse be it physical, emotional or psychological. Relationships and marriage disagreements will always arise but what makes the difference is how we settle these issues. You are talking about a marriage proposal?

I hope you did not buy that; you see big mistakes call for big apologies and since he had bought you clothes, he realised the gravity of this matter and what would be a bigger gift to a woman than a marriage proposal that will never come to be anyway?

Look at the consequences of not offering a worthwhile means of apology; where were you when we were matching on violence against women just a few days ago? I think what you need to do is book him at the local police station for assault, aggravated assault, or better still, attempted murder.

The sacrifice had to be huge to ensure that you remain within manageable limits.

Your family and friends think you are crazy and so do I by the way you subject yourself to this form of abuse. I know sometimes you may feel like you could have done something to deserve this and that you should forgive him but you really don’t deserve this.

By staying on you will be increasing your vulnerability to even greater levels. You think no one will ever love you like he does right? I can comfortably tell you that it will be harder to get someone to love when you are already dead, where he will bring you more flowers on your grave.

Time is now girl, take a good walk and never look back-dust your shoulder and move on, some good loving is waiting for you somewhere.

Ends