Few words if any have the potential to change your life permanently than the four monumental ones: “Will you marry me?” Even at the mere thought of ‘popping the question’, many men get sweaty, tongue-tied and downright terrified by the mysteries that shroud the proposal in today’s world.
Few words if any have the potential to change your life permanently than the four monumental ones: "Will you marry me?”
Even at the mere thought of ‘popping the question’, many men get sweaty, tongue-tied and downright terrified by the mysteries that shroud the proposal in today’s world.
Traditionally, a formal proposal never existed. Ask any newly wed woman what the proposal was like and she is likely to go on and on about it. If this is met with a blank stare, something is not quite right.
So how does one make it memorable and perfect? How do you get that longed-for "Yes!”? Which proposal customs are simply western ‘hype’ fuelled by the commercialism of our billion-franc-a-year wedding industry?
Newlywed Sandra, 30, advises: "Guys, try your best to make it extra special, memorable and different. This is a story she’ll be recounting forever, to her pals, her family...so put some thought into it.”
Kabatesi, single, 26, agrees. "The most important thing would be how much thought the guy puts into it. I don’t care about big displays or an amazing ring, just a proposal that shows how special I am to him.” It thus calls for the guy to do his homework well before popping the question.
One man, who married his dream girl a year ago says: "I never ask a question unless I already know the answer.”
But how can you be sure the answer will be yes?
Alex, single, 25, says: "Don’t ask too early. Get to know each other very well first, and don’t ask her in public. That is synonymous with pressurising her into saying yes. Besides, it can be quite embarrassing if she hesitates.”
Pop it when sure
So how do you do it? Talk about marriage with your partner long before the proposal. Her responses will give a good idea of how committed she is to the relationship and what her answer is likely to be. Simple direct questions such as "where do you see us in five years time?” or "how do you feel about children?” will give you an idea of her stand.
Europeans customarily ask the girl’s father for his permission before the proposal. Locally, very few men do that. The one trend that has caught on like wildfire, is presenting your proposal with the customary engagement ring. And they come in all manner of designs with stupendous price tags attached to them.
The ideal ring
Kabatesi says the cost of the ring is not necessarily a factor. "I’d rather a ring he designed himself, like something silver, because it shows that he took his time.”
Yvonne, 26, dating and hoping for a proposal soon, says: "I want him to do it his way, on his own terms, and for the ring, I want something nice that he can afford.” So surprisingly, most women are not that picky.
A savy groom-to-be will take note of his woman’s style, and, if still in doubt, will discreetly ask her sister or best friend to take him ring-shopping. Most girls would have no problem keeping that a secret from the bride-to-be.
In the West, the general standard is for men to buy a ring, which is often equivalent to one month’s salary. Although this is not in any way the litmus test of one’s love, getting a wife should cost any man something. In our culture, men sacrifice by paying the bride price and jumping the hoops required by tradition in order to respect local protocol. Despite this, it is highly appreciated when the groom makes the effort to buy something precious
The next important thing is location. Remember it needs to show forethought. Some popular local joints include the Gisenyi beach or the beach at Lake Muhazi. If you know your girl loves the outdoors, such sites make ideal proposal venues. For the more glamorous indoor girls, a cosy venue with a relaxed atmosphere would be ideal. Surprise element
Sometimes, though, nothing goes according to plan, yet those can be the best proposals. Peter, 32, had picked out the ring and planned to propose at a family gathering. However, the mood was not right.
The following weekend enroute from meeting his soon-to-be in-laws, he popped the question. They had stopped to fuel and their mutual friend went in to buy something. She returned to find both of them in tears with the bride-to-be spotting the most gorgeous ring she had set her eyes on.
"That roadside proposal took me by surprise almost as much as it did his wife! Needless to say, she was thrilled.”
It’s a show of love Kabatesi explains why this is completely logical to women.
She says: "It’s not a contest to see whose proposal will make the Guinness book, but a show of your love for her. If you just make it special and genuine in your own way, any girl will be happy.”