The World Cup has me in the football mood and I would even say I am thinking footballistically as Wenger would say.

Hanging around in Papyrus after a world cup game, I saw the various tactics employed by young men in their pursuit of the fairer sex. Of course you know the saying "all is fair in love and war” there is no referee, no linesmen, no fouls, and no penalties.

Zonal marking – this is when a player picks an area and marks his territory so any lady who enters that territory is his. The zonal marker is always confused as to which target to pick up, so they take the scatter-gun approach.

Zonal marking will always get you in trouble with fellow young bucks and you will always lock horns with other contenders. The problem is when another contender enters your territory, you have to decide whether to let you pride be hurt or chase the other contender out.

Man to woman marking – this is placing all you bets on one girl, you follow her around everywhere like a puppy dog. You have to claim your territory by putting your hands all over her so as to warn off other pretenders.

Any man who looks at your woman is firstly given a stern look, then he marks his territory by grabbing a part of her body, hand around the waist, hand on the bum and finally move to another place if that doesn’t work.

Holding midfielder – this is a skill-less player but is important in holding it all together. He hangs around more skilful players and facilitates them in playing well. He is quiet and unassuming but is ready to pick up any strays; his conversation is simple but honest and less vain.

Libero – Franz Backenbauer created this role, it requires a very skilful and agile player, and he has to be able to oscillate between defence, midfield and attack. To be the heartbeat of the party, one has to be comfortable in all fields, a good talker, a good dancer, a good listener, a good looking chap as well, but also have the financial clout to back it up.

Striker-Wingman combo – this is when good friends team up to double their chances of scoring. Women often work in pairs, if you approach alone the other one will block it coz she’ll feel left out.

Therefore, one needs a wingman to occupy the other lady so the striker can have a chance. The roles must be clearly defined, you must not switch halfway, and your wingman has to be able to hang in there all night because if he leaves then it will be ruined. Quite often the wingman scores because he was not expecting it and doesn’t try as hard

Lone striker – this is a tough and lonely position, it requires loads of hard work as you are on your own upfront. No wingman, no libero, no holding player just you on your own. You cannot approach women in groups, or if you do then you have to occupy all of them, like a single striker against four defenders and a goalie. Your chances are slim but the rewards are all yours.

Substitute – that’s me on the bench, watching all the players play, hoping for an injury or some misfortune so I can enter the fray.

Ends