Men are victims too! Men are increasingly committing suicide, increasingly turning to alcoholism, risking their lives forced into jobs that are risky, men have a lower expectancy than women and are dying younger. The boy child is marginalised. Men are less likely to be awarded custody of their children. I know these are morbid facts, nevertheless true in Rwanda and globally.

I hope I have validated the feelings of male readers who often, out of incomprehension, feel victimised by the discourse and the movement on "gender equality”. Hopefully, the feelings will invoke enough attention through the next phase where I talk about feminism. A more risky preamble would have been that ‘I am a feminist!’ which I am. Nonetheless, from the conversations I have had with many Rwandans, I have learnt that the word feminist is comparable to a plague.

What feminism is not

Therefore, I feel the need to define what ‘Feminism’ is. To the err of most, it does not refer to a bitter woman with hatred for men, an attempt to be "the man”, neo-witchery, not synonymous to lesbianism, not synonymous to women or opposition to marriage and family values. Feminism, simply put is the social, economic and political equality of the sexes. It is not matriarchy, which is patriarchy with a male face. I say this to address the sentiment from an influential young woman I recently met that "women when they get equality, they will seek revenge”. Anyone regardless of their sex can be feminist.

Unfortunately, akin to religion like Islam, the attention and visibility given to radical members of the movement have often overshadowed what the movement is really about. And akin to religion, like Christianity, it is open for interpretation. To the credit of the "radical” feminist, history has shown that revolutions are started by radicals. You see, feminism itself is radical and feminists are bitter. Feminism is full of angry people who can’t stand injustice and are fundamentalists for challenging a status quo and existing power structures and reimagining a world unbeknownst to all of us. It is preoccupied with understanding and improvement.

We are all victims of the same social evil

The victimisation of men is not done by women. Men and women are victimised by the same social ill that we all hold the collective fault to.

The social evil is called patriarchy: "Patriarchy is a form of mental, social, spiritual, economic and political organization/ structuring of society produced by the gradual institutionalization of sex-based political relations created, maintained and reinforced by different institutions linked closely together to achieve consensus on the lesser value of women and their roles.”

In layman terms, it is a system based on dominance of men and subordination of women. Patriarchy equates masculinity with risk-taking and adventure, protective duties and general socio-economic benefits. It affixes stoicism to masculinity discouraging boys and men from being emotive; God forbid you lose your manhood from shedding a tear! Men are encouraged to seek power in hierarchies of money and materials and compete with one another for it. To name just a few of the effects is the acceptance of risky behaviour, belligerence, and aggression with regards to their personal safety, arrogance, sexism and fanaticism in the competition to "win” in life. This system is harmful to men.

Impact of patriarchy on men

There is a higher likelihood for men to smoke and abuse alcohol leading to poorer health outcomes like diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, hypertension and stroke. Men are more exposed to hazardous occupations. All this because of their risk-averse nature attached to being a "real man” The pressure and burden on men to provide in a troubled economy and pervasive unemployment is a major threat to their sense of self-worth and evoke powerful feelings of having lost their masculinity. A caveat to this, is that a tenet of patriarchal masculinity precludes men from taking up "”women’s work” that is care work, worsening unemployment among men. The trope of male invulnerability impedes men from expressing pain and sadness that they might be experiencing from all this engendering mental health issues, alcoholism and at worse aggression towards those around them.

This invulnerability also denotes that men have certain discomfort with doctors that makes them less likely to pay a visit and report any illnesses or diseases when sick.

Ever wondered why church congregations are predominantly made up of women?

Male invulnerability that doesn’t permit men to seek spiritual guidance or divine providence especially from a fellow man (pastor) and a divine figure (god) who they imagine is a man. Why would they seek help from a fellow man, without implying they are weak? A separate discussion is required as to why most leaders of the congregations are men. Yes, the reason we believe God is a man is because of patriarchy but I will not go on that tangent lest I lose your attention or agitate you with uncomfortable facts.

Statistics indicate that women are disproportionately victims of Sexual & Gender Based Violence (S/GBV). This does not undercut the rhetoric that men experience violence too.

First and foremost, as a society and the world, can we agree that when a vulnerable or marginalised group organises to advocate for their rights and bring attention to oppression and injustice, we will give them the attention deserved rather than taking the opportunity to trivialise their experiences. Acknowledging the injustice doesn't take away from the reality of other interest groups. It is possible for all of us to enjoy human rights, it is not cake. Can we also agree to put an end to victim blaming? Also can we believe victims first before giving perpetrators a benefit of doubt? I deviate.

Men and boys experience violence too. However, patriarchal masculinity denies them the opportunity to speak up without the stigma that they are being weak. The stigma from speaking up emanates mostly from fellow men. This is owing to the fact that another premise of patriarchy is that men who violate the code of masculinity are often shamed by other men and are automatically acting like "women”, which is an actual stress factor. Patriarchy denies the boy child an environment that is safe and allows them to enjoy their childhood without the burden of being "tough” or acting like a man.

All these issues leads to a shorter life expectancy among men and in worst case scenarios drive men to commit suicide at a higher rate. With patriarchy comes the social construction of gender roles where women have been relegated to reproductive work such as taking care of children. Women are seen as the primary caregivers to children, the sick and elderly. Affirmative gender essentialization of womanhood in providing care to children denies fathers who would wish to be closer and spend more time with their children. Women are more often awarded custody of children in divorce cases and separation than men.

Research holds that countries with higher levels of gender equality are happier, perform better in their GDP (Gross Domestic Product) and the relationship between rising unemployment and economic troubles and suicide in men disappears altogether. This has been tested in the Nordic countries.

Enter positive masculinity that is an alternative to patriarchal masculinity (toxic masculinity). Positive masculinity or healthy masculinity rejects the duality that predicates that certain values and emotions are 'masculine' or 'feminine' and redefines masculinity to be more emotionally expressive, inclusive, empathetic, and compassionate.

Feminists care about men too

Why do I, a woman: subaltern of patriarchy, care about talking about the challenges that men face? First and foremost, I cannot reiterate this enough, feminist are not against men. Secondly, I would like to expand the limited understanding of what the movement is about and seeks to do because patriarchy is antithetical to everyone. Even to men who are supposedly its primary beneficiary.

Feminism at its core, cares about those who are oppressed. Thirdly, we all want to live in a world where men are less violent and are not victimised by the violence that befalls upon them due to this system. Everyone benefits from a world where gender-hierarchies and discrimination against women are abolished. The ubiquity of the trope of gender equality and women rights in Rwanda and in the world has led to cynicism from men and some women. Cynicism that mostly emerges from among other things affirmative action in forms of quotas for women. The truth is affirmative action is discrimination, a positive discrimination and unfair advantage that is necessary. Affirmative action is a topic for another day.

For those who reached this far in the article expecting a different antidote or movement to defend men’s rights or stand for men. The truth is, the remedy to men’s victimisation is feminism. Feminism does not seek to give women power at the expense of men. On the contrary, it is in the pursuit of mutuality, to share power, decision-making, unpaid work, resources and the breadwinner role which has a better outcome in every sense of the word. The embrace of feminist thinking and practices that emphasizes the values of mutual growth and self-actualization by both men and women enhances everyone’s emotional well-being. Men, if I have not convinced you this far that feminism is good for you, imagine this, when gender equality is finally achieved, you can finally demand that women share the bill on dates.